Day Two On The Beach...

Maybe this is sums it up....



I thought not being able to eat sweets was going to be the hardest, but it's not. I miss my bread. I want bread. I mean I REALLY want to eat bread. You know what though?

I'm not.
Nope.
I'm not going to eat it.

I will be strong...I HAVE to be strong...

Those size 8's are calling my name!

Day One On the Beach...

Today is my first day back on the South Beach diet. I have totally pysched myself up to start and am going to really try and stick with phase one for at least a week. Phase one is so much harder than phase two. Phase one means no bread - at all - even wheat (which is what I eat anyway) and absolutely no SUGAR (buh-bye Ben and Jerry...) However, I will still be eating some phase one no-no's like fruit.

So let me just apologize in advance for any rude, crude or vulgar comments I may make in any future posts due to my diet. (Oh, wait I already do that when NOT on any diet....)

Here are my stats...

Starting Weight: 168
Current Pants Size: Mostly 12's, but can squeeze my arse into some size 10's
Goal: Is to be at least in the 140's and be a loose size 8 pants/shorts

I'm trying to think of a reward for myself if I succeed. A day at the spa? A shopping spree? Shave my head bald ( ;) )? I'm also trying to come up with some kind of non-reward...a punishment. I thought about posting a picture of myself in a bathing suit (but that would kind of be punishing you all too!). Hmmmmm.....??

So anyway, I hope you all enjoy the upcoming days/weeks/months(?) with me while on our journey to the beach. Remember...No potty breaks on the way there! Oh and no asking if we are there yet, cause I have a feeling it's going to be a long and bumpy ride!

We Have A Celebrity Look-a-Like In The Weener House...

Here is a picture of Timmy from yesterday morning....



Do you think he resembles a kid from a certain movie....?

It's not the Home Alone kid...

And it's definitely not the Jerry Maguire boy...

Here let me just tell you...

You know the move The Grudge...?

That movie with the scary looking kid in it....?

This kid...



You say you don't see too much of a resemblance...?

Okay, how 'bout now...?



I thought so too!

Vegetable Soup For The Bizarre...

Every morning - when I get ready for work - I like to watch the local news and then a little of the Today show. This morning, however, I forced myself to change the channel due to the (over)coverage of the Anna Nicole hoopla. Don't get me wrong, I love me some good hollywood news/gossip, but this is like beating a dead...um...celebrity(?) over the head over and over...(Sorry!)

So anyway...as I was saying.

I was flicking through the channels when I came across an old cartoon on one of the movie channels. Right now I can't remember the name of the movie though I can tell you the main characters were rabbits and it was done in the 1970's. And here is another thing I can tell you... it looked a little scary. The funny thing about it is that I don't think it was supposed to be scary (it wasn't). It was the life-like animation that made it seem somewhat frightening.

I quickly turned the channel and laughed at my reaction towards the movie. As I was laughing, I started to think about all of the programs I used to watch as a child of the 70's/80's. We had some great programs....The Electric Company, Sesame Street, Zoom... *Sigh* - Those were the days.

And then I remembered something...

There was this show that always gave me the willies. It wasn't very good program. Yet, I would still watch it because it always left me mesmerized. The name of the program was called Vegetable Soup. From what I can recall the main character was a spoon...and he sang. It was an odd cartoon. However, it's not the cartoon that I remember so much.

It was something else...

You see, on every episode they had this short skit with puppets. Talk about no budget and waaaay freaky. However, it kept me transfixed and - albeit - a bit dazed. The segment was usually a five minute clip that had these incredibly...how can I put this?...SCARY puppets in them. The puppets looked like children and - let me tell you - everytime I saw them they gave me the heebie-jeebies. Just thinking about it right now sends chills up my spine...

If you don't believe me, here you go!



Yep...I'm still freaked!

My Motivational Contribution For The Day....

I'd Like To Apologize....

To the person who googled the words "vulva tattoo" and got my blog instead. I just want to let you know how sorry I am. I'm sure all you wanted was to go to a website that offers information -and maybe even pictures? - on vulva tattos. And all you got was a blog about kids pooping in the tub, lost hamsters and a picture of my mother-in-law.

I feel so bad...

In order to make things right between you and I, how 'bout I tell you all that I know about vulva tattoos...

• A vulva tattoo is a tattoo that is on your vulva.
• I think it would hurt to get a vulva tattoo.
• A vulva tattoo would be a great topic at a dinner party.
• If I ever get a tattoo, it will NOT be on my vulva.
• It would be kind of hard to see a tattoo on your vulva.
  

Am I forgiven? ;)

Never Start A Diet On A Day Called...

FAT TUESDAY!

I don't care how gung ho you are about a diet. Even if you come to the conclusion that you are going to start your weight reduction plan at that exact moment. Should I mention that you come to this wonderful idea of being more careful of your food choices as you are lying in bed staring at the ceiling at....oh... three o'clock in the morning? (Isn't it always easier to start something at that time of nigh....er...morning?)

It is Doomed from the beginning, I tell you. That is Capital D-double O -M( with an 'ed' at the end)....DOOMED.

You should've known it was not a good sign from the beginning when - on your way to work - you are stopping and going in rush hour traffic next to a...what else?...A Tasty Kake truck.

And then you get to work only to find out there is a required lunch meeting that very day and pizza will be served. Now normally you can pass up pizza, however, they are not having your usual pizza varieties that you can stick your nose up to. Nope. They are having barbeque chicken pizza which is something you sometimes have fantasies about. Oh and besides the pizza they are having gourmet italian cookies....Those yummy italian cookies that just melt in your mouth and dance in your belly.

To not eat that delicious food would've been torture I tell you...torture. So you manage to get away with eating one slice of pizza and about FOUR cookies - which are not dancing in your belly...they feel more like they are glued to the bottom of your stomache. And it was all of your superiors faults too....having that 'required' meeting with their 'required' food.

Those bastards....

Needless to say, it was all a downward spiral from there. Just ask those bag of Funyuns in your pantry...oh wait...you ate them last night!

Sigh

Too bad there is not a day called "Skinny Wednesday".....

While Mom Is Away...

The Weeners will play!

Have You Seen The New Bald Britney?....

No...I mean...have you really seen her?

Courtesy of Gallery of the Absurd.

It's President's Day...

And here I am.

So I have this day off of work and the kids are off of school. If you are like me (which if you are I just want to tell you how sorry I am...), then you usually don't do anything to celebrate President's Day. However, this year is different for us in the Weener house. I have decided that we will do something in honor of our dear (most of them dead) presidents.



Here are some of the things we will be doing today:



In honor of George Washington...we will be going to Target (pronouced 'Tar-get' today and not the un-American pronounication of 'Tar-jay' that I usually say) and I will be spending more...ahem...'George Washingtons' than I'd like.

In honor of John Quincy Adams and William Henry Harrison I will be calling all of my kids by their first, middle and last names (and I should mention I will use them all even when they are NOT in trouble...).

In honor of Grover Cleveland we will be watching Sesame Street. Oh wait...we watch that everyday anyway...

In honor of Herbert Hoover we will be breaking out my vacuum cleaner (not sure if it's a Hoover though...)and vacuum in his honor.

In honor of James Garfield we will - but what else? - read a Garfield funny.

In honor of Millard Fullmore I will curse any parent who names their children Millard.

In honor of Thomas Jefferson I will not have any illegitimate children today, however, I will swivel around on my computer chair. (He invented swivel chairs.)

In honor of Abe Lincoln I will not pluck my next chin hair. (yeah right!)

In honor of James Polk we will do the "Hokey Polkey". ( I know it's spelt wrong. ;) )

In honor of Zachary Taylor I will let the weeners play will their friend Zachary (no matter how annoying he is!).

In honor of Chester Arthur I will do some chest exercises today.

In honor of Bill Clinton I will clean all of the stains out of my kids clothes.

In honor of Jimmy Carter we will eat peanut butter sandwiches for lunch.

I'm going to have to cut this post short because with 43 presidents and all...that's a lot of stuff to do in one day!

*blank stare* (That's in honor of our current president,GWB. ;) )

Do You See What I See?....

So you say it's a pair of tweezers.
That is correct.
Can you see what the tweezer has in it's grip?
Oh yeah...you probably can't.
I'll just have to tell you.
In between the teeth of the cold, metal tweezers is
one
lone
hair.
It's so tiny that you have to squint to see it.
It's not an eyebrow hair.
It's not a nose hair.
It's a chin hair!
My first chin hair to be exact...
And now that I have one chin hair
I'm sure there will be more to come.
It's bad enough I have to wax my mustache.
But now I have pluck hairs out of my chin too.
Great.
I'm old.
Getting old is so not glamorous, but...

With all of my complaining
And shallowness...

I'm glad I have the opportunity to become
old.
Don't get me wrong,

aging sucks.
Wrinkles are icky.
Nose hairs are just plain WRONG.
But I'm happy that I have a chance
To get old.
To watch my kids grow up.
To see what they will become.
To know that as long as I'm around
They are safe.
And when I become unable to...
They will pluck my chin hairs for me.

Guess Who I Just Got A Message From...?

My good friend Britney! Luckily, she didn't give me any parenting advice (or any advice on how to properly exit a vehicle). Want to hear the message (btw it's pretty lame)? Just click on the picture below.

If You Got To...You've Got To...

Everyone who owns (and watches) television has at least one "got to" movie. Some of you are probably looking at your monitor and scratching your head wondering what exactly a "got to" movie is. So in case you don't know what a "got to" movie is, (which you probably don't because I just made it up like ten minutes ago...) let me explain.

A "got to" movie is a movie that - even though you've watched it a gazillion times - if you come across it while flicking channels on the TV you've got to stop and watch the movie... again.

There is also something you should know about "got to" movies. They come in two different categories. First there are the "got to" movies that you are not afraid to admit to others that you watch because for the most part they are pretty good movies to watch. I call them your "Golden Got To" movies. "Golden Got To" movies are movies that - even if they didn't do well in the theater's - nine out of ten of your friends like the movie.

And then you have your "got to" movies that you are not as likely to own up to ever watching....let alone even liking.

These are what I call your "Cheesy Got To" movies. "Cheesy Got To" movies are usually the cheesiest of the cheesiest of movies. These are movies that probably only lasted in the theaters for like a week...or worse yet...it went a straight to video. The plot is cheesy bad. The acting is cheesy bad. Everything about the movie is cheesy bad. With that said however, there is still something about it - who knows what - that makes you keep watching...over and over and over again.

I know you are all dying to see my "got to" list. And even if you're not...here it is!

My "Golden Got To" Movies
Lord of the Rings (all three of them)
Princess Bride
Grease
Dirty Dancing
Good Fellas

And with a big breath...

My "Cheesy Got To" Movies
Grease 2
Breakin'
Roller Boogie (I just added this one to my list...everything about this movie is BAD, but I can't help myself from watching it!)

Okay I owned up to mine. What's your favorite "Got To" movie(s)?....The cheesier the better!

I Hope Everyone Had A Good Valentine's Day

Rich and I don't celebrate Valentine's Day - which is fine and dandy by me. My sister asked if I get upset that he doesn't get me anything for V-Day and I told her if doesn't bother me at all. I much rather he surprise me with something on a random day. Now don't get me wrong, if he ever happened to get me anything on V-Day, I will NOT complain. However, if he gets me this I may have to unwrap the box and stick it in his ear....or ass...whichever was more convenient at the time...

(Warning: Don't play with kids in room. As a matter of fact, don't play this with your significant other in the room as well. Ya don't want them to get any 'ideas' for gifts, if you know what I mean...)



:)

You Don't Actually Think The Only Reason I Had Kids Was To Love And Nurture Them...Did You....?

I also had them so they could be my own personal slaves! (evil laugh)

I *cough* made the older weeners go out and shovel. However, first they had to make me breakfast, put a load of clothes in the wash, make my bed and clean the dishes...Oh wait...That's what 'I' did. So it seems 'I'm' their personal slave, but hey I can't complain (okay I can, but won't) because I signed up for the mom-jig years ago.

Alright, so I didn't actually make them shovel the snow - they volunteered. I told them to go ahead and knock their socks off. I thought they would only last five minutes, but nope...they were out there for a good thirty minutes shoveling. They had a ball doing it.

Don't believe me?


They were only grazing the top layer of snow/ice. I do give them mad props though and rewarded my mighty shovelers with a mugful of hot chocolate each! And after they chugged their hot chocolate...I went outside myself and really shoveled. :)

For all five of you who took my poop poll....This will NOT surprise you...

Conversation Hearts By Weenermom

Time To Cut The Grass...

Umm....Has anybody SEEN the grass?

(Mason resembling the kid brother to Ralphie on 'A Christmas Story'. He kept falling and couldn't get himself.)

While It's Snowing Outside...Mason is making it 'snow' inside....

Yep...he's a regular Jack Frost....Or should that be...Jack Frosted Cereal? Unfortunately for Mr. Mason, I had to stop him before he had a chance to make any sugary coated cereal angels.

In Search Of.....NORM!

I love Monday and Thursday night television and I can tell you why too with just two little words.

Sitcom (that's one) Television (that's two).

It's plain and simple really.

I find shows like Scrubs (my favorite), The Office and Two In A Half Men...far more entertaining than say...oh...the gazillion versions of CSI (Isn't there a CSI: Central Falls, Rhode Island?-- It's a city that only about one mile.). I apologize to anyone I may offend with my next statement, but it has to be said.

Reality TV has got to go;

Buh-Bye.
See you later.
Don't let the door hit you in the ass before your 15 minutes of fame is up.

There are so many - too many - reality programs out there and I really do believe they are running out of topics to cover. I'm just waiting for them to come up with a reality show titled America's Next Top Crack Whore. I can just picture it now...an old, worn down lady of the night standing in front of hooker hopefuls saying, "Todays challenge is to see how many Johns you can blow without your fake teeth falling out."(Yeah...I'd probably watch it too. ;) )

So anyway...

Once upon a time sitting in front of the television with your family at night was America's favorite family past-time. (What did you say...that's baseball? Whatever...this is my blog. ;)) I remember at 8pm every night my family and I would put aside the rest of the world to sit down together to watch shows like Family Ties and The Cosby Show. It was our family ritual - our 30-60 minutes of family bonding, if you will. *Sigh* We didn't even have to look at the clock. As soon as we heard the opening song to a show, we were right there singing or humming (pretty badly I might add) along with the tune.

Speaking of which...what has happened to the opening songs for television shows? It seems they are just as obsolete as the sitcom shows itself. I'm sorry but a guitar playing a one-second bit of music doesn't mean as much as "Fish don't fry in the kitchen." And I'm sorry but using songs to popular songs on the radio is cheating!

But I digress about the whole sitcom thing...theme song and all.

Oh well. Maybe if I'm lucky they'll at least make a reality program about the making of a sitcom television show. (That hasn't been done, right?)

POOP


(Just taking a little poll to see if a child's fascination with the word poop stays with you as you get older.)

Poll Script from CWT

Breaking News!

Are You Ready For Summer?

I am...

Hoochies, Transvestites and Trailer Trash...

I hate confrontation.

I'm not a confrontational (is that a word?) type of person at all. I try to avoid it at all costs. Call me what you must - a scaredy cat...a wimp...whatever... Only when something gets to the point that I think it is harming me or my children, will I pull that non-confrontational (using the word again) stick out of my ass and will say something. And this is one of those situations.

Let me explain.

My mom watches Mason while I'm at work. It's nice. It's convenient. And did I mention - it's free? For the most part it's great. I know Mason is in a loving environment with someone that I trust..and hey...what better person to watch him, but Grandma. There are, however, some minor downsides to having Grandma as a babysitter. Like she'll sneak extra sweets in his diet (and then wonder why he fought his nap.). And I know she lets him take a cup with him when he naps. As I said before, it's all pretty minor stuff. This new topic I want to bring up to my mom is really nothing big either.

What is it, you ask?

Okay...here it goes...

I want to ask my mom why my 19 month old child is running the house shaking his one arm in the air chanting "Jerry! ", "Jerry!" (but it sounds more like "Jer-we!" "Jer-we!") . It took me a while to catch on to this phrase he was saying. And then it dawned on me...

One day Christian and Timmy were wrestling in the family room (nothing new). The next thing I remember is Mason running over to them chanting, "Jerry!" "Jerry!". That's when it hit me. Apparently, Mr. Mason gets to watch more than just Sesame Street and Dora when at Grandma's house. (Do you see where I'm going with this?) I mean, who would've thought that Jerry Springer was the new Elmo?

Want to hear something funny? Not only do I know that Grandma is the culprit because it's on during the time that she watches him. It's also because when Mason chants "Jerry!" "Jerry!" he'll follow it with a head shake, point his finger and say "No, no!" So it seems my mom is teaching him that the fighting is bad while she is watching show. Go figure.

So...yep...I think I'm going to have that talk with mom. She'll handle it well though and I'm sure Jerry will be a thing in the past.

I guess if I look on the bright side I should be glad that Mason isn't flashing everyone, wearing skimpy halter tops and rolling around in a tub full of pudding. ;)

You Know You're A Mom When...
by Me

You know you're a mom when your child hugs you tight .
And you forgive them for keeping you up through the night.
You know you're a mom when you run around trying to clean sticky hands.
And you sometimes find yourself singing songs from famous kids singing bands.
You know you're a mom when your favorite words seems to be "No! No! No! No!".
And you have conversations with your friends about who's hotter - Steve or Joe.
You know you're a mom when you name things with a color - like blue sky and green grass.
And you exclaim words like "Oh Sugar!", but not "Sh@# !", "Fu$% !" or "A%@ !"
You know you're a mom when you pray for a two hour nap.
And as you go pee you have a child sitting on your lap.
You know you're a mom when you know ALL of the puppets - not just Elmo and Ernie
And just going to the grocery store seems like the journey of all journeys.
You know you're a mom when all you do is worry.
And when they're in trouble, you're the judge AND the jury.
You know you're a mom when your house looks like a toy store threw up.
And the only clean thing to drink out of is a Dora sippy cup.
You know you're a mom when things in your house is either shut, bolted or tied.
And your menu consists of chicken nuggets that are baked and not fried.
You know you're a mom when you always make yourself last.
And you get sad when you think how they're growing up so fast.

I'm sure I may do things different than others.
But there is one thing that's certain...we are all mothers.
(And we really do have eyes in the backs of our heads...)

Damn...That's Interesting...

Do you enjoy reading about things/topics that are - in fact - bits of useless knowledge? I do. If you do too, go here. From topics such as feral children to what happens to a head once it's been beheaded...it's all there.

100 Days

Tomorrow is Timmy's 100th day of school. To celebrate the occasion his teacher had assigned his class a special project which consisted of bringing 100 of something - anything really - to school. So Timmy and I debated about what he should do for his project. He originally wanted to do a 100-piece puzzle...just like Christian did when he was in first grade. I vetoed that idea because - how do I put this nicely? - frankly it was a pain in the ass to do. Not only did he (READ: WE) have to put the puzzle together (which was an ordeal in itself), we also had to glue it to cardboard. Needless to say, I was NOT going to go through that again.

We thought about him bringing 100 pennies (too boring) or maybe even making a necklace with 100 beads (too 'girly'). Finally I...oops...I mean "We"came up with the idea of gluing 100 different Pokemon to a poster board and forming the number "100" with the pictures.

Here is the end result:
BTW: Did you know that there are over 400 different Pokemon? I never would've thought that because all of the shitloads of Pokemon cards that are lying around my house usually have the same five or six characters on them.

An Open Letter To Myself...

February 2, 2006

Dear Self,

Do you remember when you were sitting at your desk during lunch today and Kim came over to ask how your diet was going? Remember when you told her that you were doing really well with your eating? You were bragging about the awesome - and very healthy - homemade chicken noodle soup you were in the process of eating at the time. You also didn't forget to tell her about the yummy - but oh so nutritious - non-fat vanilla yogurt you had before that?

Well, you never did mention the chocolate TastyKake cupcake you had right before . You remember the cupcake, don't you? The one with the buttercream filling (although you may not remember the buttercream filling because you INHALED the damn thing)? Umm....yeah...well I think she may have been on to you about the cupcake because let's just say it was written all over your face! (Or at least in the corner of your mouth...and teeth...) P.S. Looking at that picture, I just have to say: Damn girlfriend! --- You are looking OLD!

I Could Be Watching The Superbowl...

Or I could be playing around with pictures on my computer.

(Can you guess what I chose to do?)

Jumpin' For A Reason...

February is National Heart Disease Awareness Month. On February 14th the boys' school is having a Jump Rope For Heart. It's where the kids jump rope to raise money for heart disease. The weeners are pretty excited for this event. Mainly I would say it's because they will get to miss some classes, but they are also excited because they have a reason to be jumping.

The other day the boys each brought home from school with paper cut-outs in the shape of a heart. On both hearts there was written: " I'm Jumpin' For _____________". Automatically, I knew who's name they could write on their hearts. My FIL who had passed away this past August. He had suffered from heart disease for years and years and it was the main factor in his death.

Before I even had a chance to suggest their grandfather, Christian already had a marker in his hand writing out "Dzia Dzia" (that's Polish for grandfather...it's pronounced 'Ja-Ja'.) on his heart. Timmy followed suit and did the same.

So come this February 14th, my weeners....my boys... will be jumping their young, healthy hearts out for their Dzia Dzia.

Sockaphobia

That is what I think Timmy - my middle weener - suffers from.

No...no...he is not petrified of socks. That would be silly. You see, I'm quite sure that Timmy has some kind of irrational fear about putting his dirty socks in the hamper. I say this because it seems I find his dirty socks everywhere, BUT in the hamper. He will put all his other dirty clothes in the correct spot; his pants...his shirts...his underwear, but socks are a whole other story. And I'm not just talking "Oh look there is Timmy's dirty sock in the middle of the floor.". It's a little more complicated than that. He hides them. Let me tell you this kid will put a whole lot of effort in finding hiding spots for his dirty socks. I've found them under the dining room table...in between the cushions of the couch (and you all know who often I check there.). He even put them in the front pocket of his bookbag. The other day I was kneeling on the floor wiping down the kitchen table and chairs when I found this:


Yup...it's socks.

What am I going to do with this kid? Maybe there is some kind of support group for kids who have an extreme dislike of putting their dirty undergarments in the hamper? I'm sure he'll grow out of it, but let me just say that if I come up with missing dirty socks...I know there is a problem.

Until then I like to think of myself as an explorer in search of the unknown - kinda like Indian Jones - but instead of searching for things like the Holy Grail...I'm in search of stinky...dirty socks. :)

It Could Have Been Worse...

Instead of leaving you all hanging with the NKOTB video...I could've left you all with this instead!

(Pssst...Click on the picture)

Yeah, Yeah...You Don't Have To Say It...

I've been a horrible blogger for the past month. And to leave you all with a chessy video of New Kids On The Block too! How rude am I? So to make it up to you, here is my offering: Copy and print the picture below and do what you must with it...throw darts at it...blow your nose with it...whatever. Just don't tell me what you've done, okay? ;)