HaPPy Birthday To The Bra ....!



What can I say? You're the BREAST! (or should that be "BREASTS"?)

;)

Danny DeVito Has Left The Building.....

Thank God!

I Wasn't Sure How What To Title This Post...

Here were the options.

Well, That Mom Will Have The Best Birth Story In Her Playgroup....

"Oh Please! My Baby's Leg Weighed More Than That." Said The Elephant....

Ummmm....Excuse Me, But I Just Gave Birth To A Toddler....

Whoa Baby....!
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Woman gives birth to 'giant baby'

In the corner, weighing in at 17lb: "giant baby" Ademilton dos Santos A woman in Brazil has given birth to a "giant baby" weighing 17lb (8kg) - twice the size of an average newborn. Ademilton dos Santos is the heaviest boy ever born in Brazil, says the Brazilian Gynaecological Association. Ademilton was born by Caesarean section on Wednesday at a hospital in Salvador in north-eastern Brazil. He is Francisca Ramos dos Santos' fifth child and doctors said his unusual size was probably due to his mother's diabetes condition. Paediatrician Luiz Sena Azul said Ademilton "could truly be considered a giant baby, for he was born weighing what a six-month-old-baby normally weighs". 'Surprise' Mrs Santos, 38, has four other children - aged nine, 12, 14, and 15 - who were all of normal weight when they were born. "She knew Ademilton would be a big baby, but not this big," Ms Leal said. "She, her husband and the hospital staff were caught by surprise." Ademilton is being given glucose solution intravenously, to maintain a safe level of blood sugar, because of his mother's diabetes. He is also receiving oxygen because of breathing problems. But his general state of health is good, according to the hospital director. "Both mother and baby are doing just fine," said Rita Leal, director of the Albert Sabin Maternity Hospital. For Alfredo de Jesus dos Santos, his wife's diabetes was also a problem during previous pregnancies. "Yes, I got very worried," he said. "I got very worried because diabetes is a disease that never gets better." The Guinness Book of World Records says the heaviest baby ever was born to Anna Bates of Canada in 1879. It weighed 23.12lb (10.8kg) and died 11 hours after birth

Oooohhhh, I know what I should label the post...

OUCH....!!!

Yes Weenermom, There Is A Puke Fairy....

After being up half of the night cleaning bedding covered with puke, cleaning the floor covered in puke, cleaning the toilet that was surrounded by puke and then cleaning the puker covered in puke - I think you get the idea...My night was rather...uhhh...pukey.

In between the vomit clean-ups, I would go back to bed and just lay there wide awake. Who would of thought that cleaning up puke can make one so roused? (Please don't confuse that with aroused.) So I'm in bed and I start to wonder what the Puke Fairy would look like...you know....if he were real.

You noticed I said he? Come on - The Puke Fairy has to be a He!
Also:

He is short.
He is round.
He is kind of hairy.
He wears a wife beater.
He carries cow tail candy in one hand. (Had a bad experience with those once.)
He has a puke bucket in the other hand.
His wings are kind of short and look like boomerangs.
He wears a trucker hat with the initials PF.
He has a New Jersey accent.

So in conclusion, if there is indeed a puke fairy....

He'd look like Danny Devito!

It's Going To Be A Best Seller....

I took the Weeners to the library yesterday. Can I just say that I love the library. I love the smell of the books and the peacefulness of the whole place. Oh - How I love the quiet! (Did I just scream that? Shhhhh....)As I was waiting for one of the boys to pick his last book out (it was Christian this time...), I went exploring through the aisles of the children's section. You know, they have a book for everything! They have books on becoming a big brother and/or sister. They have books on how to tie your shoes. They have books on going to the doctor. Your first day of school. Et Cetera...Et Cetera... Why, they even have books based on a farting dog. However, there is one book they don't have out yet and I'll be damned if I'm not going to be the first.

I'm going to write a book entitled...
Are you ready for this?

***There Is No Santa***

Stop rolling your eyes and listen to what I have to say...You cannot deny that one day your child is going to come up to you (if they haven't already) and ask you whether or not Santa is real. Instead of getting thrown for a loop, wouldn't it be nice to just pop out the book - BAM! - and just let the book explain everything for you?

Here's the rough draft. Oh, I have ideas for the illustration also...those ideas will be in parenthesis.

THERE IS NO SANTA
(Front cover illustration will have a motherly figure taking off a Santa mask...Think Friday The 13th movie case cover minus the blood)

(Picture of a mom sitting down drinking a cup of cocoa with her son. )
There is no such thing as Santa.
Why - It really is me.
I buy all of your presents.
And put them under the tree.

I shop days in advance.
Then wrap all of your gifts.
I get held up in the parking lots.
And get into ‘I had that first!’ tiffs.
(Drawing of two women playing tug of war with some toy that will probably break after the first five minutes of their child opening the thing. We can't forget the man in the background who is on the floor due to being ran over by a shopping cart.)

I camp out before dawn
At THE one and only store -
That sells your #1 request
And they don’t have anymore!
(Picture of woman shaving legs in front of a Best Buy.)

I hide the gifts in my closet -
Under a quilt that is old and torn.
It’s right next to my shoe shelf…
And your dad’s box of por…Oops, you don’t need to know about that!
(PICTURE CENSORED)

Do you want to know something else?
Why, it’s pretty funny.
I’m also the tooth fairy.
Oh and the Easter Bunny!
(Picture of the tooth fairy and the EB lying (laying?) on they floor with X's for eyes)

I’ve been lying for years.
But please don’t be so mad.
Can you do me a favor though?
Can you go tell your dad?
(Picture of boy sitting with father who is sobbing uncontrollably)

Yeah...I know you are upset that you didn't think of this sooner. Btw...Does anyone know how to draw? ;)

Happy "Talk Like An Aging Musician From The Rolling Stones Who Did Way Too Many Drugs And Who Once Tried To Snort His Dead Dad's Ashes" Day To You!

Ooops...I mean Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day...matey.

:)

The Wall


Many, many years ago I put up a wall.

I've never really mentioned this wall because...well...that would have totally ruined it's purpose and to tell you the truth I've had this wall for so long...that it's a part of who I am.

Before I continue, let me just state that this wall:

1. Is not as immense as the Great Wall of China. (But sometimes it can feel just as big...)
2. Nor is this wall infamous for a known nursery rhyme character's fall.
3. And...no...Pink Floyd never named an album after my wall.

This wall was put up to protect myself from ever getting emotionally hurt and/or betrayed by others who happen to come across and try to befriend me. Don't get me wrong, there are some people that I let near my wall. There are even some people who I let climb my wall, but I only let them hang out at the top. They usually get a glimpse of the other side, but heaven forbid if they ever try to climb on over. Usually these people hang around for a while, but they get tired of sitting on the top and they leave.

I should also mention that my wall - while made of some of the most rigid and impenetrable of material, is invisible. It's obscured because I don't want to anger anyone who happens to walk by my wall. Even though my wall is invisible, you may find some grafitti on the outer layers. However, it's usually only smiley faces and corny jokes or...ahem...puns you will come across. You will NEVER find any political and/or controversal grafitti on my wall. Why should I let my views offend anyone? That grafitti is only for the inside walls.

And while I do hate to admit this, I believe that the wall is there to help hide any of my flaws - not in my outer landscaping...because no wall can hide that, but in my internal view.

I've been doing a lot of talking with my inner archetect. A. Lot. I have come to the conclusion that this wall needs to come down because one of these days it's going to collapse right on top of me and the sad part is no one will remember me. I am so sick and so tired of this wall. The maintenance on it is wearing me down after all of these years. Not to mention that sometimes it gets pretty damn lonely standing...guarding the inside of this wall.

It's not going to be an easy process. Nope, one whack of a wrecking ball isn't going to knock this wall down. I'm going to have to take this baby down one brick at a time. I know that there are going to be days when I won't make any progress on tearing down this wall of mine, but I can tell you that it IS coming down. Perhaps maybe...just maybe...when you cross paths with me and my wall; you may come across some of the rubble from the work in progress . And when you look in that pile of debris you may just find a piece of grafitti from the inner wall that has been keeping prisoner for all of these years.

And if you'd like, I'd let you keep that piece.

Do You Want To Go To The Party....?

Date: Today
Time: Right Now
Event: The Party In My Tummy!
No need to RSVP.

I find Yo Gabba Gabba a bit freaky. Mason, however, adores it in that strange-toddler fashion. ;) I do have to admit that this song is pretty catchy though....

They Still Can't Fly, But....

Apparently they can tell you what kind of personality you have. Here is what they say about me...

1. I'm pessimistic and have a tendency to behave negatively. (Define "behave negatively"...I've never broken the law, but if you are talking about my grammar...I may have used a double negative at one time or another.)
2. I am direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions. (*snort*Yeah right...I am the Queen of Avoidance!)
3. I am emotional and naive. I care little for details and am a risk-taker. (While most of that is true, I am far from a risk taker.)
4. I'm a good listener. (Can you repeat that? - I wasn't listening. )
5. The quality of my sex life is good! (Yep...I have the sex life of a 75-year-old man on viagra. ;) )

And to think someone got that all out of this picture of a pig I drew...

Do you want to what your personality is too? Go here to find out!

My One And Only Reason I Don't Want A Wife...

Many wives - myself included - have joked about needing our very own wife. I have to admit that it would be nice to have some help. It's not that my husband doesn't do anything - he does. It just sometimes feels like I have more stuff to do around the house. Oh....hold on...I do have more stuff I have to do.... However after much thought and consideration, I might have to change my mind on that decision of a wife of my own.

This is why....

Come late at night when my husband...ummm...how do I put this? - "propositions" me with a night (or twenty minutes) of 'love'...my excuse of 'not tonite because I'm too tired from (fill in the blank)' will not work. It's not that I don't like getting intimate...I do. It's just the idea of him expecting it more. Oh and then it's that whole girl-on-girl action that I'm sure he would want to watch and probably take part in...and well...I just can't picture myself with another woman...

Oh wait let me think about that....

(image in head)


Yeah - like I said - I don't want a wife. ;)