It's Going To Be A Best Seller....

I took the Weeners to the library yesterday. Can I just say that I love the library. I love the smell of the books and the peacefulness of the whole place. Oh - How I love the quiet! (Did I just scream that? Shhhhh....)As I was waiting for one of the boys to pick his last book out (it was Christian this time...), I went exploring through the aisles of the children's section. You know, they have a book for everything! They have books on becoming a big brother and/or sister. They have books on how to tie your shoes. They have books on going to the doctor. Your first day of school. Et Cetera...Et Cetera... Why, they even have books based on a farting dog. However, there is one book they don't have out yet and I'll be damned if I'm not going to be the first.

I'm going to write a book entitled...
Are you ready for this?

***There Is No Santa***

Stop rolling your eyes and listen to what I have to say...You cannot deny that one day your child is going to come up to you (if they haven't already) and ask you whether or not Santa is real. Instead of getting thrown for a loop, wouldn't it be nice to just pop out the book - BAM! - and just let the book explain everything for you?

Here's the rough draft. Oh, I have ideas for the illustration also...those ideas will be in parenthesis.

THERE IS NO SANTA
(Front cover illustration will have a motherly figure taking off a Santa mask...Think Friday The 13th movie case cover minus the blood)

(Picture of a mom sitting down drinking a cup of cocoa with her son. )
There is no such thing as Santa.
Why - It really is me.
I buy all of your presents.
And put them under the tree.

I shop days in advance.
Then wrap all of your gifts.
I get held up in the parking lots.
And get into ‘I had that first!’ tiffs.
(Drawing of two women playing tug of war with some toy that will probably break after the first five minutes of their child opening the thing. We can't forget the man in the background who is on the floor due to being ran over by a shopping cart.)

I camp out before dawn
At THE one and only store -
That sells your #1 request
And they don’t have anymore!
(Picture of woman shaving legs in front of a Best Buy.)

I hide the gifts in my closet -
Under a quilt that is old and torn.
It’s right next to my shoe shelf…
And your dad’s box of por…Oops, you don’t need to know about that!
(PICTURE CENSORED)

Do you want to know something else?
Why, it’s pretty funny.
I’m also the tooth fairy.
Oh and the Easter Bunny!
(Picture of the tooth fairy and the EB lying (laying?) on they floor with X's for eyes)

I’ve been lying for years.
But please don’t be so mad.
Can you do me a favor though?
Can you go tell your dad?
(Picture of boy sitting with father who is sobbing uncontrollably)

Yeah...I know you are upset that you didn't think of this sooner. Btw...Does anyone know how to draw? ;)