Just A Small Request...

If I ever start blabbing about how much I love to paint (as in painting the walls...not a picture), please just take a paint roller and whack me over the head a few (hundred) times. Can you do that?

Thanks.

:)

Since I Am Currently Suffering From This Myself....

Here is a little movie on how to deal with me today.



BTW...Does my blog look fat?

So I Got The Thinking...
(Warning: It's pretty scary whenever I say, "So I got the thinking...")

They have singing telegrams for birthdays and they even have them for special events like a job promotion or anniversary. However, they don't have singing telegrams to cover those special mommy moments.

Are you confused? Here let me set this up for you...
---------------
Scenario:

You are walking down the stairs...catching your breath after running around the house trying to catch your toddler (who btw was recently potty-trained) so s/he can take his/her afternoon nap. All of the sudden someone rings your doorbell. As you blow the displaced strands of hair out of your face, you look up to see who is at the door. Needless to say you are kinda dumbfounded when you see it's some guy dressed up as an oversized diaper. You don't know whether to just start running - because apparently this guy is insane - or to ask him what he wants.

You stay there and ask the diaper what he wants.

Imagine your surprise when he tells you that your friend 'fill-in-the-blank' has sent you a singing telegram and the big diaper-guy starts to sing...

(to the music of "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" by Frankie Valli )

You know it's too good to be true
No more kids in diapers for you
Goodbye Huggies and such
No more padded bottoms to touch
At long last the time has arrived
All of those diaper-years you survived
You know it's too good to be true
No more changin' poo-poo for you

A potty, baby
Squeezed in your bathroom tight
A potty, baby
No more twisty diaper fights
A potty, baby
Trust in me when I say
A potty, baby
Teach 'em aim correctly, I pray
A potty, baby
Now the underwear is here to stay

No more diapers for you, baby
No more diapers....

End scene.
----------------

So what'da think?

Too scary and strange, you say?

Darn...and I had a great song for that moment when you finally get rid of the pacifer that was set to the music of 'Cherry Pie' by Warrant. (Goodbye, Noonie, bye bye...). Oh...the song for after you had "the" talk with you adolescent. (You talked about sex baby. You talked about the birds and the bees...).

*Sigh*

A Trip To The Zoo...
(by Mason)














The End.....

I Just Don't Get It...

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/05/15/baby.gun.ap/index.html
------------
CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) -- "Bubba" Ludwig can't walk, talk or open the refrigerator door -- but he does have his very own Illinois gun permit.

The 10-month-old, whose given name is Howard David Ludwig, was issued a firearm owner's identification card after his father, Howard Ludwig, paid the $5 fee and filled out the application, not expecting to actually get one.

The card lists the baby's height (2 feet, 3 inches), weight (20 pounds) and has a scribble where the signature should be.

With some exceptions, the cards are required of any Illinois residents purchasing or possessing firearms or ammunition within the state. There are no age restrictions on the cards, an official said.

Illinois State Police oversee the application process. Their purpose, said Lt. Scott Compton, is to keep guns out of the hands of convicted felons, those under an order of protection and those convicted of domestic violence.

"Does a 10-month-old need a FOID card? No, but there are no restrictions under the act regarding age of applicants," he said.

Ludwig, 30, of Chicago, applied for the card after his own father bought Bubba a 12-gauge Beretta shotgun as a gift. The weapon will probably be kept at Ludwig's father's house until the boy is at least 14.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can hear the father now...

"Hey son. Why don't I push you in your stroller down by the shooting range and we can play with your pow-pows? Oh, but first let's change that poopy diaper. "

And The Winners Are....

(Since I know you all are dying to know.)

After lots of changing room horrors and the many nightmare from the images from those said rooms that followed, I finally purchased my two bathing suits for the summer! While I still don't have either one of the pictured models' figures, I am happy to report that both suits fit! As a matter of fact, both of the suits I bought keeps everything in all of their correct places...and -even better - they push the things that are in the wrong places... right back up to where they're supposed to be.

Here are the winners...

This Sure Takes The Fun Out Of...

1.) Peeing on the toilet seat and having your mom complain about how you need to watch your aim.

and

2.) "Forgetting" to put the toilet seat down and hearing the splash of the toilet water as your mom falls in...

Question...

Is it wrong to go online to get an idea of how much your husband spent on you for Mother's Day?

:)

The After-Mother's-Day-Clean-Up.....

It was a wonderful day and I was treated like a queen, however....

Happy Mother's Day....

"It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't." - Barbara Kingston

"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his." - Oscar Wilde

"Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit." -- Bill Cosby

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home." - Phyllis Diller

(From Me to You...Just print it and fill it out. ;) )

I Don't Have A Shot In Hell To Win...

There is a weekly writing contest sponsored by Suave and Sprint. One of this weeks topics is 'Kids And Bribery'. I written this whole thing and submitted it...only to find out that it's 1100 words max. Oops! I'm a little wordy. I still wanted to share with you!

I'll Give You An Offer You Can't Refuse

Before I even had a child of my own, I already had my “I’ll Never” list written up and saved in the top of my head. You can deny it all want, but you know you had your very own “I’ll Never” list too. Maybe you named your list something different, like “I Won’t Let” or “My Children Aren’t”, but in the end it’s all the same. I find that these lists are so much easier to come about when you don’t have any children of your own. After all, parenting is so much easier to do when you are on the outside looking through someone else’s window that is filled with smudges from tiny handprints.

Somewhere on my list - between line number 87 (I’ll never let my child drink any substance that contains sugar.) and line number 132 (I’ll never let my child go out in public wearing THAT.) - was line 103. I’ll Never try to sway my child with bribery…no matter how desperate the situation.

I added 103 to my list after witnessing years of my nephew getting exactly what he wanted from bribes per my sister. He’d have meltdowns in the middle of the mall because my sister wouldn’t get him a (insert any obnoxious toy that has lights, makes plenty of noise and costs a small fortune). My sister tried reasoning with my nephew. When that wouldn’t work, she’d threaten him. In the end, my sister’s efforts were all unsuccessful and my nephew would get what he wanted.

That wasn’t going to happen to me because 1.) My children would never behave like that and 2.) If they did behave badly, they would certainly listen to my reasoning. (Like I said…other people’s smudged windows…)

And then one day it happened.

I had a baby….

Now I’m not going to lie to you. There were some things on my list that I just could not live up to, such as “I’ll never let my baby cry it out” or “I’ll never sing any Milli Vanilli songs to my child”. However, there were some items on my “I’ll Never” list that I managed to stick to my guns with. For instance, I never let my son have any solids until the required 4-6 months (number 27), I never let my mother-in-law dress my son in those sissy-looking sailor suits that she loved and I loathed (number 236) and I most certainly did not need to use number 103.

And then one day something else happened.

My son – my baby – became a toddler. (Do you see where I’m going with this?)

Toddlers, I discovered, are a bit trickier to deal with than babies. With babies, everything is new and – for the most part – they just go with the flow. However, toddlers are more familiar with their wants and needs and – well – when they want something they WANT it like…right now!


SCENE

I’m not exactly sure how Friday became the designated grocery-shopping day, it just was. I’d always go to the store after my son took his afternoon nap because it was late enough to miss the morning senior-citizen rush, but it was still enough time to get the ‘good’ meats and fruits. However, this Friday was like no other. My then two-year-old son was in his “I refuse to nap” phase and boy was he cranky.

Usually when I’d grab his shoes, my son would get all giddy and run to the door. However, on this day he grabbed my leg and screamed “No! No go!” After about five minutes of trying to reason with him (stop laughing!), I sat down on the kitchen chair – with my son still super-glued to my leg.

Eventually, he got off of me and ran over to his favorite pair of Elmo slippers. He grabbed them and ran over to me, “Put on!”

As I was putting on my son’s slippers on his feet, the mommy-wheels started turning in my head. “Do you want to wear your Elmo slippers to the store?” I asked.

“Store! Store!”

Before we got to the garage door, where the car was parked, he pulled away from me.

“No! Don’t wanna!”

He then ran into the family room and grabbed his Superman pajama shirt that also had a cape.

“Put on.” He demanded.

“Come on. We have to go to the store. I’ll let you wear it later before you go to bed.”

“On!”

“Alright if you wear it will you go to the store?”

“Store!”

So I took off his cute little OshKosh t-shirt (which by the way matched his shorts) and put on the Superman pajama top (that did NOT match with his shorts) that was sticky from the pancakes he had for breakfast. (Buh-bye number 132!)

We were already to go and I was so ecstatic that we made it to the garage. My moment of happiness did not last long. That is where he saw IT. “It” was his Hot Wheels bike helmet. “Want met!” He said pointing to the helmet.

“No you can’t wear it now. We have to go to the store.”

“Want it! No store!”

He began to struggle out of my grip. I tried to hold on to him, but he was just too wiggly. He got to the helmet before I got to him.

“You can put your helmet on later when you ride your bike.” I told him as I tried to take the helmet out of his grip.

“Nooooo!” He said squirming to hold on to the helmet.

And that’s when it happened.

Unfortunately, the helmet got away from both of our clutches It went onto the floor and proceeded to fall right onto my big toe….It hurt.

And that’s when I said it.

“(%^#@!!” (Starts with “sh” and rhymes with “fit”) I screamed. -- And that’s when line number 5 - “I’ll never curse in front of my kids” got scratched off of my list.

“#$%&!” My son exclaimed repeating the word that I had just said.

“@*(&!”


“!@(*”

He said over and over.

I was horrified and in a whim I grabbed his bike helmet.

“Do you want to wear the helmet to the store? You can wear it if you stop saying that word.”

“Store! Store!”

In the end, I did go to the store with my Superman-pajama-Elmo-slipper-wearing-bike-helmet-toting son who was over-tired and who also learned a new word. Luckily the store still had the good meats and fruit available.

Some may call it bribery. I call it negotiating.

As for the list? …Only people with the nice clean windows

This Made Me Laugh....

For those of you who have (or once had) a Dora-loving toddler at home, you might appreciate this:



(And yes...the real Dora can seem just as pushy. lol)

Good Luck Or Bad Luck.....?

Your doctors tell you that you are very sick and have about a year to live. You quit your job and do away with all of your possessions by either selling them or giving them away. You then proceed to live what's left of your life to the fullest...you take plenty of trips and spurge on expensive restaurants. In the end, the only thing you have left is the clothes that you are to be buried in.

And then something funny happens...

A year goes by...and you're not dead.

Another year goes by and you're still not dead.

What's up with that?

So you go to the doctor only to find out...Oops! It appears that you don't have that life threatening disease afterall. You are going to live... It's a miracle!

You are very happy to find out that you are not going to die any time soon. However, you now pretty much have nothing.

And now he's suing the hospital...
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070507/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_britain_spree;_ylt=AhcgKL_.nihtFtxb3SsY1HrtiBIF

Ummm...maybe he should've gotten a second opinion?

It's Nice Out...Go Outside!...

The other day the Weener's and I were outside goofing around. It really was such a beautiful day. The sky was the prettiest of blue and the clouds looked like puffy pillows. The birds were singing and the Weener's were in the best of moods. (Read: There was no drama or meltdowns!) So I took out my camera and snapped some pictures.

Christian



Timmy



Mason (who for once was not trying to eat dirt!)



I just love days like that!

My Mother's Day Countdown...

The Five Days Before Mother's Day (because I'm too lazy to do twelve...)

On the fifth day before Mother's Day
The Weener's will give to me....
Five minutes peace to go pee

On the fourth day before Mother's Day
The Weener's will give to me
**Three sticky hugs**
....And five minutes peace to go pee

On the third day before Mother's Day
The Weener's will give to me
**No requests for any friends**
...Three sticky hugs
...And five minutes peace to go pee

On the second day before Mother's Day
The Weener's will give to me
**No potty words**
...Or 'What about my friend?
...Three sticky hugs
....And five minutes peace to go pee

On the day before Mother's Day
The Weener's will give to me
**A house that's 'kind of' clean**
....No potty words
....Or 'Can I bring a friend?'
....Three sticky hugs
....And five minutes peace to go pee

Next!....

I received the bathing suit that I order from Lands End. While it is such a pretty bathing suit, sadly I will have to return it. The suit - while it does fit - is kind of snug in certain places (So does that mean that it doesn't fit?). The main reason *cough* that I am returning it - and the only problem I'm going to mention when asked by the sales associate on why I am taking it back - is that there is a small hole on the right side of the suit.

So I am now on to my next vict...err... bathing suit. I ordered this suit from LL Bean yesterday.

While it pretty much is the same idea as the Lands End suit, it doesn't seem as squishy (as in it won't try to squish all of my fat into one confined area).

Oh and I tried to order the body in the picture to go along with the bathing suit. Unfortunately, it wasn't for sale....perhaps they were all sold out?

Our Church Is Prayer Conditioned...

Let me set this up.

Date: Today

Time: About 8:00 a.m.

Me: Driving in my car on a two lane road...

To the right of me: Homes, a convenient store and a baptist church that always has cheesy sayings (Such as: 'Like Dairy Queen, Our Sundays Are The Best' or 'Don't Give Up. Moses Was A Basketcase Too.') displayed on their huge bulletin board/sign. I always like to see what the new message of the week is as I pass on by.

To the left of me: A graveyard that goes on for miles and miles.

When I pass the church I see this....

(not actual sign)


So what exactly do they mean? Are they saying that if I don't go to their church, my fate is to end up in a - *gasp*- graveyard? The last time I checked, everyBODY's (heh heh) last stop is the graveyard...or on a mantle...or scattered out at sea...etc...)

Maybe they are saying that people who attend their church will live forever and have no need for a graveyard? Or maybe they have special underground catacombs? Or perhaps (and this is my favorite) when their parishoners die they just let them sit in their favorite pew seat for eternity with a bible in one hand and a sign in the other saying,

"In the end I may be only bones, but this darn pew-seat is my own."

Which way did I go?

I just kept going straight. :)

Total Recall...

A couple of weeks ago everyone was notified via television, internet and/or newspaper (do people still read them?) that Listerine was recalling all of their Agent CoolBlue bottles. Now for those of you out there in blogland who have never heard of Listerine Agent CoolBlue it is a plaque-detecting rinse that you...err... your kids use before they brush their teeth. What it does is turn all of the plaque-filled areas around your teeth and gums a blue color. Basically it's supposed to promote better brushing. I have to admit that it is a cool concept and I had no issues of buying Agent CoolBlue when the kids asked me to get it for them a couple of months ago. I thought that maybe it would help get them more excited about their oral hygiene because sometimes getting them to brush their teeth is like...well....PULLING teeth.

In the end Agent Coolblue lost it's novelty on about day four. I do have to say that it did leave the Weener's nice, white ceramic bathroom sink a purpleish/blue color. **I am happy to report that after a bottle of bleach (for the sink) and a Mike's Hard Lemonade (for me) it did come out.** The bottle pretty much just sat on their bathroom counter for about a month...untouched.

And then that day in April came when all of the buzz was about the recall on Agent CoolBlue. I'm not exactly sure why it was recalled....I think maybe there was some type of bacteria in the liquid that made people sick. (I'm thinking parents were just tired of cleaning their white sinks!)

I quickly went to the Listerine website as soon as I heard that they were giving refunds. I went to the link and was happy to see that I did not have to give them my blood, sweat and tears to get my money back. I downloaded the form that was required:


Like I said; the instructions seemed easy enough to follow...


So I went ahead and grabbed my bottle...


And I began to try to get the label off of the bottle with my thumbnail...


I tried for a good fifteen minutes and I only managed to get up a mediocre amount of the label...


Since that was not working I decided to try to get it off by using the edge of my scissors...


And after trying that for five minutes and getting nowhere...I decided to break out the big guns...



Okay...okay...I really didn't use the butcher knife. After going back to using my thumbnail (and wasting another ten minutes of my life doing so...), I finally had gotten the damn thing off...


In the end, sweat may have been involved in the whole label removing process. Tears too...from all of the frustration. I am - however - happy to report that there was no blood involved. (There probably would've been some blood if I didn't get the label off in another minute or two.)

All of it was worth every penny of the $3.00 (?) - minus the stamp - that I will get back.

We've Just Received An Exclusive Interview With Mason Weener...!!

Mason, even though your birthday isn't until July, your mom and dad went ahead and gave you your birthday present early. How do you like it?

Well...you know Matt Lauer...it's actually kind of sweet. I can slide on it and my brothers - who are too big for it - cannot.



But before you can slide on it, you do have to climb up the scary ladder, right?

That is correct, Matt Lauer. It was kind of scary at first and I did need help. However, after about twenty minutes, I was able to go up the ladder all by myself.



Wow. That is amazing!

I know...ain't it? Do you want to know what is also pretty cool about it all, Matt Lauer? I can drive with that stirring wheel thingy...too.



About the driving. Is it true that you were stopped for driving with a bottle of wine?

No, Matt Lauer, I don't know where that came from. It was a cup of WATER.

Oh I see.

Can we wrap this interview up Matt Lauer? Aren't you doing Where In The World is Matt Lauer this week?

Well yes I am and I have one final question for you. Considering your parents spent a whole lot of dough on your birthday present, is it your absolute favorite thing to do outside?

As a matter of fact, Matt Lauer, it is not. I have something I like to do just as much.

And what would that be?



Ladies and Gentlemen, remember you heard it here first!

Something You May Not Want To Know...

(But I'm going to tell you anyway.)

Did you know that gelatin contains animals parts like chopped up animal bones? I didn't until this morning per one of my co-workers. Now don't get me wrong, I am by no means a vegetarian in any shape or form. However, I'm a bit - what's the word(s)? Oh that's it....GROSSED OUT. When I (used) to eat jello I would think that I was just eating a form of fruit juice in a blob-type formation. Now I'm picturing chips of bones in my orange flavored bowl of j-e-l-l-o.

And now I can't help but to wonder how come there isn't any bacon flavored jello?

Yeah...I figured that's why....

Oh CROCkey....

It was destined to happen.

The weather is getting warmer.

With the warmer temps everyone breaks out their spring/summer wardrobe.

Shorts, t-shirts, sundresses, tank tops, free flowing skirts, sandles...

And you know what else that means...

The CROCS are on the loose!



However, I'm happy to see that I'm not the only anti-croc activist out there...I found this blog entertaining:

http://ihatecrocsblog.blogspot.com/

When will it end? ;)

Cheesy Funnies That Make Me Giggle...