Don't forget to put the seat down...

Warning To The Grammarically Correct: If it just bothered you that I wrote "Grammarically", you may as well leave now because my grammar gets even worse.

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Location: Land of Runny Noses, Flatulence, Bugs and Plenty of Roads....d

I'm a wife and mom to three boys. I love everything 80's, anything chocolate and loathes politics. I like to run for fun (preferably NOT in the hot, hot sun)....

Friday, May 11, 2007

I Don't Have A Shot In Hell To Win...

There is a weekly writing contest sponsored by Suave and Sprint. One of this weeks topics is 'Kids And Bribery'. I written this whole thing and submitted it...only to find out that it's 1100 words max. Oops! I'm a little wordy. I still wanted to share with you!

I'll Give You An Offer You Can't Refuse

Before I even had a child of my own, I already had my “I’ll Never” list written up and saved in the top of my head. You can deny it all want, but you know you had your very own “I’ll Never” list too. Maybe you named your list something different, like “I Won’t Let” or “My Children Aren’t”, but in the end it’s all the same. I find that these lists are so much easier to come about when you don’t have any children of your own. After all, parenting is so much easier to do when you are on the outside looking through someone else’s window that is filled with smudges from tiny handprints.

Somewhere on my list - between line number 87 (I’ll never let my child drink any substance that contains sugar.) and line number 132 (I’ll never let my child go out in public wearing THAT.) - was line 103. I’ll Never try to sway my child with bribery…no matter how desperate the situation.

I added 103 to my list after witnessing years of my nephew getting exactly what he wanted from bribes per my sister. He’d have meltdowns in the middle of the mall because my sister wouldn’t get him a (insert any obnoxious toy that has lights, makes plenty of noise and costs a small fortune). My sister tried reasoning with my nephew. When that wouldn’t work, she’d threaten him. In the end, my sister’s efforts were all unsuccessful and my nephew would get what he wanted.

That wasn’t going to happen to me because 1.) My children would never behave like that and 2.) If they did behave badly, they would certainly listen to my reasoning. (Like I said…other people’s smudged windows…)

And then one day it happened.

I had a baby….

Now I’m not going to lie to you. There were some things on my list that I just could not live up to, such as “I’ll never let my baby cry it out” or “I’ll never sing any Milli Vanilli songs to my child”. However, there were some items on my “I’ll Never” list that I managed to stick to my guns with. For instance, I never let my son have any solids until the required 4-6 months (number 27), I never let my mother-in-law dress my son in those sissy-looking sailor suits that she loved and I loathed (number 236) and I most certainly did not need to use number 103.

And then one day something else happened.

My son – my baby – became a toddler. (Do you see where I’m going with this?)

Toddlers, I discovered, are a bit trickier to deal with than babies. With babies, everything is new and – for the most part – they just go with the flow. However, toddlers are more familiar with their wants and needs and – well – when they want something they WANT it like…right now!


I’m not exactly sure how Friday became the designated grocery-shopping day, it just was. I’d always go to the store after my son took his afternoon nap because it was late enough to miss the morning senior-citizen rush, but it was still enough time to get the ‘good’ meats and fruits. However, this Friday was like no other. My then two-year-old son was in his “I refuse to nap” phase and boy was he cranky.

Usually when I’d grab his shoes, my son would get all giddy and run to the door. However, on this day he grabbed my leg and screamed “No! No go!” After about five minutes of trying to reason with him (stop laughing!), I sat down on the kitchen chair – with my son still super-glued to my leg.

Eventually, he got off of me and ran over to his favorite pair of Elmo slippers. He grabbed them and ran over to me, “Put on!”

As I was putting on my son’s slippers on his feet, the mommy-wheels started turning in my head. “Do you want to wear your Elmo slippers to the store?” I asked.

“Store! Store!”

Before we got to the garage door, where the car was parked, he pulled away from me.

“No! Don’t wanna!”

He then ran into the family room and grabbed his Superman pajama shirt that also had a cape.

“Put on.” He demanded.

“Come on. We have to go to the store. I’ll let you wear it later before you go to bed.”


“Alright if you wear it will you go to the store?”


So I took off his cute little OshKosh t-shirt (which by the way matched his shorts) and put on the Superman pajama top (that did NOT match with his shorts) that was sticky from the pancakes he had for breakfast. (Buh-bye number 132!)

We were already to go and I was so ecstatic that we made it to the garage. My moment of happiness did not last long. That is where he saw IT. “It” was his Hot Wheels bike helmet. “Want met!” He said pointing to the helmet.

“No you can’t wear it now. We have to go to the store.”

“Want it! No store!”

He began to struggle out of my grip. I tried to hold on to him, but he was just too wiggly. He got to the helmet before I got to him.

“You can put your helmet on later when you ride your bike.” I told him as I tried to take the helmet out of his grip.

“Nooooo!” He said squirming to hold on to the helmet.

And that’s when it happened.

Unfortunately, the helmet got away from both of our clutches It went onto the floor and proceeded to fall right onto my big toe….It hurt.

And that’s when I said it.

“(%^#@!!” (Starts with “sh” and rhymes with “fit”) I screamed. -- And that’s when line number 5 - “I’ll never curse in front of my kids” got scratched off of my list.

“#$%&!” My son exclaimed repeating the word that I had just said.



He said over and over.

I was horrified and in a whim I grabbed his bike helmet.

“Do you want to wear the helmet to the store? You can wear it if you stop saying that word.”

“Store! Store!”

In the end, I did go to the store with my Superman-pajama-Elmo-slipper-wearing-bike-helmet-toting son who was over-tired and who also learned a new word. Luckily the store still had the good meats and fruit available.

Some may call it bribery. I call it negotiating.

As for the list? …Only people with the nice clean windows


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