Murphy's....errr....Vidal Sassoon's Law


How come this always happens? (Well to me anyway.) My hair will be unmanagable and uncontrollable for more than a month. When I get to the point that I can't do anything with my hair but put it in a ponytail I call to make an appointment to get it cut and styled. Wouldn't you know that on the day I am scheduled to have my haircut it looks freakin' great which makes me second guess the whole getting it cut thing.

I'm still going...darn it....

What's in a Name?
aka
Me, You and a Vulva Named 'Susie'


***This post is dedicated to all of the Susie's/Suzy's out there.***

What I'm about to talk about usually is not the topic of dinner conversations. Some may consider it to be an after dinner conversation. No, I take that back. Make that a way-way after dinner conversation like when you are working on your third glass of wine conversation. However, it's a great topic for a playgroup and usually there are no alcoholic beverages involved. ;)

It's a personal subject/thing/both. It's private. - That is, after all, why it is sometimes referred to as your 'private area'. Everyone has a name for theirs that their parents have taught them at some time or another.

While some parents may have taught their children the actual name of 'penis' and/or 'vulva' -- which is sometimes confused with 'vagina'. There are children whose parents decided to have their children call their 'stuff' by other names like 'pee-pee' or 'dingy' or maybe even 'wiener', etc... I have no gripes with those names at all. I do, due to personal experience, have some issues with calling a penis/vulva by people names.

Here is my story...

Growing up my mother taught me to call my vulva 'susie' . She would say, 'Why are you holding your susie -- Do you have to go pee-pee?' Or something of that sort. For many years I had no problems with what I called my 'susie'. That is until I was about seven years old and a new girl moved into my neighborhood. Her name? -- Suzannah McFeeny* otherwise known by everyone as "Suzy".

When Suzy first told me her name I was a bit taken back. She was the first Suzy-person I have ever met. I couldn't help but to wonder why her parents named her after something that you use to go to the bathroom. Which then led me to wonder...Do I want to play with someone that is named after something I use to go to the bathroom? Because of her name it took me a while (okay, like a day) to warm up to her. It turned out that Suzy McFeeny was a really sweet girl. She was nice and she liked to play a lot of things that I did. It took some time, but eventually, I stopped associating Suzy 'the girl' with susie 'the vulva'. Sadly, Suzy moved away a couple of years later. I sometimes wonder how Suzy is doing. Wouldn't it be funny if she was a gynecologist and married to a guy named Dick? ;)

Is there a lesson in this story? - Not really-- but heed my warning. You can teach your children to name their privates whatever you want, but please know that there may be some consequence to your name selection. I know it is silly, but even to this very day the first thing I think of when I hear the name Susie/Suzy is....ya know.

So...Has anyone heard that song that goes "Susie has a cow on her head"? *shiver*

*Last name has been changed to protect the innocent. Alright, in actuality, I can't remember her last name...maybe because I was always fascinated (?) with her first name.

She's One Bad Mother....

Note: It seems that when Rich came back from his trip to North Cackilacky this weekend not only did he bring himself and the tattoo back home, but he brought the rain with him as well. When I say rain, I mean lots of rain.

Dear Mother Nature,

You know I have always admired you as a mother and as a successful working woman. Nobody wants to mess with the mother of all mothers. With that being said, I know I always mentioned that I wanted an inground pool in my backyard, however I didn't quite mean I wanted it like this.


So please, make the rain stop! To make matters worse the kids are bouncing off of the walls and it's driving me mad. As a mother yourself I'm sure you understand where I'm coming from.

Sincerely,

Mother Weener

P.S. If the river that is in my backyard comes with a hot pool boy, I'd be happy for the water to stick around.

THE Tattoo...

Rich is home and so is his tattoo. It involves something that he loves -- It's not something that he loves more than myself, however sometimes I wonder...;) It is not a "Mom" tattoo (thank goodness!) nor a hula girl tattoo. It's this:

It's a Raiders tattoo! Yes, now part of his Oakland Raiders collection is on his arm. For those of you familiar with my husband I'm sure you are not surprised. What am I going to do with him? I've had several people ask me if I liked it and while I am not a tremendous fan of tattoos I have to say that it is growing on me...kind of like Rich did. :)

Journey to the Center of my...
The couch - or sofa as some may call them - is something almost every person has in their home. They come in different shapes, varieties and sizes. You can have them as simple or as tacky as you'd like. Some are made of leather and some are made of pleather. Some may come in a plaid print and some - like the one my Aunt Donna used to have - may come a in zebra print. Some people like to flock on theirs and some people don't even want you to touch theirs. Heck, somebody you know could have been conceived on a couch....maybe even you.

I take great pride in the fact that we at the Weener-household are flockers. We live in/on/around our furniture. My kids can just take the throw pillows off the couch and throw them onto the floor (that's why they call them throw pillows--right?) and I won't have a mental breakdown. I must admit that the kids are not allowed to eat on the couch. However, kids are sneaky - at least mine are - and I know they sneak a cheesecurl here and some grapes there along with who knows what else. Needless to say, with great pride in our flockerism comes great consequence.

Once in every blue-moon or so, I decide to pick up the cushions and clean/scrape/vacuum/blow-torch out whatever hides underneath the cushions. Yesterday was one of those days after I had come to the realization that I haven't vacuumed under the cushions since right before I had Mason. Did I mention that Mason will be a year old in a couple of weeks? So for those doing the math -- I haven't vacuumed/cleaned-out under the cushions in a year! How gross is that? I must admit that I was a bit worried as I began to lift the cushion off of the couch. I very cautiously pulled up on the cushion...


OH THE HORROR!

Okay, okay so it wasn't that bad, but it was still pretty icky. How icky?--You ask. Well lets get Mason's reaction to the mess:

NOTE: He had clothes on and was clean before the cushions were pulled off!

I bet you are wondering what I found. Let's see...I found a lone gummy bear, crumbs to a variety of who knows what, a pair of Timmy's old Spongebob underwear?, a bookmark, a lone sock, what I believe used to be a grape, some toenail remnants (who I'm pretty sure belong to a six year old who likes to bite off his toenails...yuck!) and 47 cents.

Oh and guess what else I found?

MY KEYS!!!

So...What's under your cushions?

"The Plane! The Plane!"

Just to make things clear, this post has absolutely nothing to do with planes or flying. It has nothing to do with seeing a plane and it sure as hell doesn't involve anyone's feet leaving the ground. It may, however, involve a character's name from a certain old television show. Oh and maybe - just maybe - the certain 'said' character would say a certain 'said' phrase that happens to be the title of my certain 'said' post. (Got that?)

All of that leads me to this:

As you may know - since I posted this the other day - Rich is away....And I miss him....And all of that other mushy crap...So anyway, he called me last night and informed me that he had gotten his Father's Day gift that we had talked about and it's really cool. He said he was nervous at first - since it was his first time - , but when it was all done he was so glad that he had gotten it done. I bet you are wondering what it is...aren't you? - And no - he didn't get a hooker. ;)

Here are some clues...

1.) He will have it with him for the rest of his life.
2.) Wherever he goes...it goes.
3.) It sounds like Pattoo.
4.) It involves a needle(s).
5.) Some people have really bad ones.

For those who guessed tattoo - you are correct!

Now do you want to guess where he got it? -- No? Alright then, I'll just tell you. He got it on his upper arm. He has always wanted to get a tattoo. Now when I say 'a' tattoo I mean just that --- one tattoo. I'm actually surprised that he went through with the process. He hates needles. I am talking about someone who almost passed out when he got stuck with the needle to give blood.

*sigh* I can just picture it now...Rich will come home. Of course his shirt will already be off when he arrives...and there he will walk through the doorway with this on his arm!

Yeah right! (To both the body AND the tattoo!)

While The Hubby Is Away...

Rich is away for work related issues this week. He's in North Cackilacky. (For all my unhip/non-ghetto peeps out there that is ghetto for North Carolina. -- My hip co-worker taught me that...did I mention that she was laughing as she was teaching me?) So, it's just me and the boys. -- And for those weirdos out there...I also have my two 120lb guard dogs and oozie shotgun collection.

This sounds awful, but the first night alone I kind of felt like a teenager whose parents went away for the weekend leaving me all alone. However, instead of inviting the whole gang and throwing a party with really great - but overplayed - '80's music and getting bombed out of my mind. I was able to do the next best thing. I vegged in front of the television wearing my most unflattering night-wear (an old torn Nike t-shirt and some grey over-stretched cotton shorts ala 1995) watching whatever I wanted -- and the best part? There was no "Why are you watching this crap?" or no seducing proposition of "Ya wanna do it?"

On the first night I had a whole agenda planned for myself. After the older boys were in bed at 9:30 I was to go in my room, turn on the tv and watch the most bland of documentaries, the gloomiest of murder/detective stories and of course MTVs reality shows (that really would've pissed him off. :) ). I wanted to watch tv all night long (READ: In my mommy-world, all night long = 11pm and if I feel extra naughty maybe 11:30pm.). You know what?-- that is exactly what happened! It was so great that I had planned to do the same thing the next night.

The next night....

Boys in bed at 9:30 a
Put on unflattering night attire a
Bag of Starbursts and bottle water at my beck and calla
Remote in hand a

I was all set and ready to go. As I was going up and down the channels, I came across an old football game that one of the sports channels was showing. I couldn't help but to think how Rich would've love to watch the game. Which then led me to wonder what he was doing at that very moment. How was his day? How is the weather? How is he doing? Did he remember to take his cholesterol pill?--He better have! What did he eat? Did he remember to eat? It better not have all been junk...

I looked at his side of the bed. His pillow looked so lonely...like me. I was lonely....I am lonely. I know I cut my hubby lots of flack most times, but I must say that I miss him to pieces. I really do. I want him here with me and the boys. I could even put up with the sound of him blowing his nose in the shower. I just want him home.

Just as I was about to turn the channel - the phone rang.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey there boss lady...I miss you."

I picked up his lone pillow and hugged it..."I miss you too."

Yesterdays (Gross) Quote of the Day

"Because it tastes good!"
(Timmy's response after I asked him why he liked to pick his nose and eat whatever comes out.)

The Adventures of Schmoo-Baby:
Episode One - The Beginning

In a galaxy far far away....
On the planet Utarus...



















Was born a baby boy...
His parents named him "Schmoo"....
Schmoo was happy on his planet Utarus...























It was, afterall, a peaceful planet...
That is, it was peaceful until one day when the evil Colicky arrived to destroy the planet...
Colicky loved to cause gastroplanetarium problems...
He lived off of the gurgles and cries of others...
The Utarians tried to fight Colicky with all of their might...
They used their special Mylicon masks and even tried to run their vacuum-like weapons
in the hopes of , if not to destroy, but to calm Colicky down...
To no avail...
One of the Utarians suggested to just try to fend off Colicky for the first three months
and maybe he would just give up and go away....
However, that was just too long...





















Right before the planet was to go Ka-Put Schmoo's parents put him
on a catapult and off Schmoo went to his unsure future....
Schmoo flung threw space for what seemed like a very long time....
Until he came across a planet called Earth...



















Schmoo landed on a tiny island inhabited by wild animals that
humans labeled as dogs and hamsters...
He met and befriended one of the animals called "Daisy"...


















Daisy and the hamsters clothed and took care of Schmoo...
Needless to say, Schmoo did not care for how they dressed him but at least he felt loved and protected---and maybe a little itchy due to the flea infestation...





















After some time Daisy and the others realized that Schmoo was different...
He had powers...
Human powers...
Daisy knew this day was coming...
Afterall, it did happen twice before...
She finds one of these creatures and takes care of them...
And before she knows it they are pulling her tail and trying to eat her food...
Daisy didn't want Schmoo to be this way...
She wanted Schmoo to use his powers for good, not evil (and besides she was getting a headache from him pulling at her ears...)...
Daisy did what was best for Schmoo and sent him off to be with the other two beings that came
before him...
And they were...
Stinky-Butt Boy and The Poo-Poo Kid!!...















And together the three of them formed The Hall of Boogers...
They fight for truth, justice and for the right for kids to eat their sandwiches without the crust!

I Want To Go Outside Too!

The other day Mason was looking out the window just watching the older kids play outside. He was there for quite some time. I had Rich take some pics ('cause he has Mommy Radar and knows as soon as I leave the room-- and it's not pretty.). The pictures turned out cute!

The Creator of Weather Watch: 2006 and Hamster Watch: 2006 brings you....

Where The Hell Are My Keys?: 2006

I've lost my keys.

It's been almost two weeks and nothing. I do know that they are in the house - but where? I'm pretty sure I didn't throw them away and I know the boys didn't mess with them. Luckily I do have duplicates of the keys, but they feel like imposters...I want MY keys back...

I guess I can look on the brightside...I don't have to leave dixie cups full of water and food out. ..no worrying about the smell of death...Oh, and I don't have to make a trap either.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIMMY!!

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
You look like a monkey
And you smell like one too!

It's hard to believe that you were born 6 years ago. When I found out I was pregnant with you I was happy, scared and unsure how I could love another child. However you arrived - all 10 lbs 2 oz of you - and my heart grew even more. You - and your brothers - are my everything. You are the sunlight that shines on my face when I wake up and the brightest star in the sky that I wish on at night before I go to sleep.

I LOVE YOU!

A couple hours old...

Five days old...

Six/Seven months old...
1st Birthday!
Timmy's 3!
(I do have pics when you're 2 but they are on another computer!)
Look who is 4!
5!!
First day of school. So excited.....NOT!
I WOULD HAVE TAKEN A PICTURE OF YOU TODAY, BUT YOU WERE NOT VERY CO-OPERATIVE! I'LL GET YOU LATER!

Here's to many more birthdays to come!

If At First You Don't Succeed....

Try

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And Try

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And Try Again (Until they start to cry!)

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They never do what you want when you want. I will get this on video one day. He may be out of the house and have a family of his own, but by gosh he WILL tell me what Daisy says....on camera!

Poor Kid Doesn't Have A Chance...

His mother dances like she is stuck in the '80's.

His father dances like Fred Flintstone.

At least he's trying...well sort of....(He's the one all the way in the back.)


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It's Not 'My' Birthday Party, But I'll Freak If I Want To...

I survived another birthday party!

Timmy's birthday isn't actually until this Friday, however, we had Timmy's birthday party this past weekend. We usually have his birthday at the laser tag/arcade place, but he wanted to have a party at home this year. At first I thought, "This will be so nice! It will be good to have a birthday party at home for once." --- That thought lasted only a day because after all of the preparing and praying for good weather and cleaning and freaking that only half of the kids were able to attend... I remembered why I don't have parties at home anymore! Needless to say that it was a huge success.

Here are some pics from his party:




And we can't forget what Grandma got Timmy and Christian as a combined birthday presents...
(It's the trampoline...not the kids...Although since we have the trampoline now it seems like I have more kids!)

Oh and yes I'm glad that not all of the kids could come. ;)

Just think, Mason's birthday party is in three weeks...I should be due for another freakout session by then.

More About The Convention...

There really isn't too much else to tell.

The only real almost-celebrity there was Lou Ferigno aka the Incredible Hulk. I can tell you that he's bigger than I thought he was. I didn't get any pictures of him because it would've cost $20 a picture and I'm cheap. They had the guy who did the voice of General Grievous from the Star Wars movies or was it the guy who played Darth Maul? ...you had to pay to see him too...so I didn't... There were lots of girls with lots of cleavage. There were people dressed up in costumes (or at least I hope it was just costumes). We saw people dressed as zombies. We saw people dressed as super heroes (Pee Wee Herman Superman included). My favorite had to be the Spider-Man with the big ole' beer gut. He pulled a chair up by the window of the convention center and fell asleep....or at least I hope he was sleeping.

During lunch we sat at a table with an interesting? couple. It was a young couple in their early twenties. She was dressed in black jeans that were cut off below the knee with a chain in the pocket, a Superman shirt and cape. Every person who would walk by she would call at the "Hey Batman! Hey Robin!" and she would run and get their pictures. Her boyfriend was dressed in all black and he didn't seel all there if you know what I mean. The guy had just bought some air gun and he was telling my brother-in-law how he couldn't wait until Halloween so he can scare some kids with the gun...Needless to say, we ate lunch quickly I took the boys and pretty much ran.

I think we were in lines more than anything while we were at the convention. We were in the two hour line to see this guy name Jim Lee. His is the only name I can remember.

Here he is with my crew (he's the asian guy) ...



We also waited in line for this guy...


And waited in line for this guy...


And waited in line for these two guys who are brothers...


And waited in line for this guy...


And waited in line for this guy who looks like a bald Harvey Keitel....


There are more too, but I think you catch my drift...lots of lines, signatures and standing.

So it was fun *cough*, fun, fun -and- lines, lines, lines -and- weirdos, weirdos, weirdos....

I think I'm paid up from my wifely duties for a good 5-10 years. :)

Translate This:

This was in Timmy's folder yesterday. This one should be pretty easy.

My Interesting Weekend...

This past Saturday we went up to Philadelphia for the "I'm only doing this because I love my husband...even though he is a big dork" Wizard Comic Convention. I haven't really mentioned this event because I'm still trying to block most of it out of my mind. Now I know I am not the most normal of people - far from it - but I left there feeling like I was one of the only sane people there. However there was a moment when I thought I would lose my sanity. Especially after standing in line for two hours (for a signature...ONE signature!) behind a lanky Pee Wee Herman look alike dressed in Superman garb...red boots included. The whole time I was just waiting for him to turn around and in a Pee Wee voice say 'I know you are, but what am I'. However, I think he was too busy to turn around because it takes a whole lot of effort to continuously pick at wedgies. (Did I mention that we were standing BEHIND him?)

We did meet some *cough* celebrities...

Here are the boys with Boba Fett. (Notice the fear in Christian's eyes.)

I guess Burger King doesn't pay enough so the BK guy needs to moonlight as a storm trooper...

My brother-in-law ran into the Olsen twins (do you think he could look anymore disappointed?)

*sigh* The things we do for love. I wonder how Rich feels about going to a candle party....

Let The Bidding Begin!

Okay, so apparently there was some kind of bidding war going on with publishers for the pictures of Brad and Angelina's baby. The winning bidder bid $4.some million dollars for the rights of the first pics of the babe. Now it's true that Brangelina is going to donate all that money to a good cause, but COME ON PEOPLE. That's $4 million dollars...for heaven's sake it's a......picture! Now maybe it's more than one, but it's still just PICTURES! I know... I know, the world 'supposedly' has been waiting to see the spawn of the most beautiful couple. However, is it really worth $4 MILLION dollars?

Come to think of it - I have lots of pictures of my kids. I have been showing pictures of my kids for free for YEARS. Maybe I should just start having people bid to see pics of the spawns of Rich and I. Sure Rich and I are not the most beautiful of people and we sure don't have the lifestyle - or money - of Brad and Angelina. We did go to the zoo last weekend....that is as close to Nambia as we ever will be.....hmmmmm.....

Let the bidding begin!

The first picture you will be bidding on is a picture of the first time one of the Risa (Lich?)'s children went poopy on the potty.

Should we start the bidding at $4 million dollars?

No?

How 'bout $3 million?

No takers?

2 million?

$500,000?

Ummmm....$250,000?

$100,000?

$50,000?

$10,000?

$5,000?

Okay, how about $10 and a coupon for a free cheeseburger from McDonalds?

Just the coupon?

Nothing?

Ahhhhh forget it! I think I'll keep showing pics for free.

Move Over Julie Andrews...

Boys and Their Things
(by me)

Snot-drops down noses -- Pulls whiskers on kittens
Pokemon medals --- 'They are gloves! They're not mittens!'
Brown paper lunch bags worn on their head like some kings
This is what happens with boys and their things

(Once) Cream colored t-shirts now covered with oodles
Of markers and dirt marks and sauce from their noodles
Wild printed bed sheets used as capes and as wings
This is what happens with boys and their things

Girls with their cooties – Boys act if they were fascists
Snowballs they throw at the girls’ noses and eyelashes
Silver white hair their moms’ grow until springs
This is what happens with boys and their things

When the one bites
When the other clings
When they’re being bad
I simply remember they're boys and have things
And then I don’t feel so mad

(And now you are going to have this tune in your head alllllll day!)

The Difference Between Mommy-People And Grandma-People*
by Mason, EBI (Experience Baby Investigator)

*Please Note that results may and will vary. Not all Mommy-People and not all Grandma-People are alike!









Mommy-People <<----------->> Grandma-People

• Mommy-People gave birth...to you.
• Grandma-People gave birth....but not to you.
• Mommy-People will pull their hair up when you continue to yank on it.
• Grandma-People will take their hair OFF.
• Mommy-People will put you on the floor so you can play.
• Grandma-People will pick you up from the floor and later complain that you get held too much.
• Mommy-People will let you taste her popsicle.
• Grandma-People will question whether you can have a popsicle. Oh, but you sure can suck the juice out of her pickel!
• Mommy-People just has to leave the room and you cry.
• Grandma-People takes out her teeth and you cry.

This is a continuing study...