The Mother-In-Law Oath

Admit it. You know it's true. We've all heard it at one time or another... a mother-in-law story. Whether it be a mother-in-law who is too nosy and /or is too controlling. Or the mother-in-law who must have heard you and your husband have sex (and you thought you were so quiet!) the last time she stayed at your house. - and the reason you know? -- Because you heard her tell her friends on the phone about how YOU sound in mid-passion. One of my favorite stories is about a mother-in-law who was making out with her boyfriend during her grandson's birthday party...um....ewwww.

While I am not one to hate my mother-in-law, there are times that she just pricks my last nerve. It's an up-and-down relationship. It is mostly up, but when it's down it's...awkward. After a "situation" - as I like to call it - we avoid each other for a while until things simmer down and after some time has passed we just talk as if everything is okay. All in all, I think I am a pretty good daughter-in-law and I think her son is damn lucky to have married me.

So where am I going with this? Let me tell you...

Today I had quickly gotten off the phone with my mother-in-law. For some reason she loves to eat when she is on the phone...I can't stand it! (Oh and she is one of those extra annoying smack-your-lips-"ummm"-"ahhhh"-sucks-her-teeth-eaters. ) As I was pondering about my relationship with my mother-in-law and thinking about how she drives me crazy sometimes (most times?) - it dawned on me. "I" am the mother to three boys....one day "I" will be the ever dreaded (da,da,da,dummmm) MOTHER-IN-LAW! What the .....? One day, I could have three daughter-in-laws sitting at the kitchen table talking about how annoying I am to them.

What if they don't like the way "I" eat? What if I call their house on a Tuesday - accidentally forgetting that I was asked not to call on Tuesdays for some unknown reason? For that matter, will they get mad if I call too much? - How 'bout if I don't call enough? - Okay like that is going to happen. What if they think I am rolling my eyes at them when in actuality I have something in my eye? What if I sneeze while I am at their house and they think that it's a hint that their house is too dusty? So much can go so wrong so very easily. (did ya get that?)

I sat down and began writing my mother-in-law oath because "I" want to be the perfect mother-in-law. - Yeah right...

I, Future Perfect Mother-In-Law of America, being of somewhat average mind and extra saggy body on this 27th day of April 2006 due hereby solemly swear that I will not suck my teeth before, during and after a meal. I will only say that my future daughter-in-law(s) hair is hideous when asked and not just blab it out in front of her friends. For that matter I will not comment on not only the lack of homemade meals that are made, but also the lack of taste on those said meals. Only if I should see my namesake and my other grandchildren are in dangerous situations will I comment/get involved on parenting issues. I will call before I come over. I will not call too early. I will not call too late. I will not call during naptime. I will not call while they are busy. For that matter I will only send smoke signals asking for permission to come over....

Awww...forget it. Tomorrow I'm telling my boys that they can only marry women "I" like. - Or at least I'll try to get two good daughter-in-laws...and we can just gang up on the bad one. Geez, forget motherhood! - Mother-In-Lawhood seems much more complicated!