Don't forget to put the seat down...

Today Class We Will Be Learning About The Difference Between A Nightgown And A Teddy...

2007-12-20T08:01:00.000-08:00

Before I begin let me just say that I loathe homework. I understand the concept of why children are assigned homework and for the most part I don't have any issues with the idea of homework. It's just with homework, there is bound to be some type of drama. Whether it be that Christian has begun his third straight spelling word sentence with "There was a dog who..." or "There was a kid who..." or "There was a gigantic, green monster who.." and proceeds to have a cow when I ask him to change two of his sentences. And then there is Timmy - who at all costs of being correct - will just stare at that one question if he is unsure of answering for hours if I let him.

Which brings me to the other day when we had a different homework problem. Timmy's homework was for him to look at magazines, cut out polygon shapes, and paste it on his homework sheet. Easy enough, right?

Wrong.

The problem that day was I didn't have any magazines or newspapers. We don't get subscriptions to anything....now-a-days you don't need to (at least I don't need to...). Shoot - I didn't even have any food store circulars. Wait a minute. I take that back. I did get one magazine in the mail that day that I threw into the trashcan, but I don't think the teacher would've appreciated Timmy finding his homework assignment in a Fredericks of Hollywood sales magazine...

Too bad too because I did find some things we could've used...

In case you want to know what we did to solve the homework situation, we cheated and printed out pictures on the internet. And don't worry, they were all of the non-semi-naked-lady variety.

A Card From Christmas Past...

2007-12-20T07:38:00.000-08:00

This card is from 1st grader Christian circa 2003. As you can see, he is more like his father when it comes to expressing himself in his writing.

Front of card

Inside of card

If you are unable to read what it says inside, it says this:

Dear Dad and Mom,

This is a card for you. Love Christian

In The Meadow We Can Draw A Snowman...

2007-12-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

Mason drew this yesterday and I do have to say that - for 2 years old (or 29 months and 4 days...to be precise.) - this is pretty good!

I Can Never Get Enough Of This Song....

2007-12-10T10:55:00.000-08:00

Dick(y) Situation.....

2007-12-10T10:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had to round-up Mason so I could change his smelly diaper. I grabbed him and put him down on the floor. And then we had this conversation....

Me: Come on Mason, you need to stay still.

Mason: (wiggling away) Noooooo!!!

Me: (holding up a wipe) Do you want to take this wipey and wipe off your face?

Mason: (who is now still and grabs the wipe) It's not for face. It's for dick.

Me: (stopping in my tracks) Wha-What did you just say? It's for....what?

Mason: Dick!

Me: (face getting red) Huh? (Trying to figure out how he was taught that because we don't say that in the Weener house. It's PENIS people!)

Mason: It's for dick!

And that is - ladies and gentlemen - when I looked at his free hand and noticed he had a drum stick in his hand.

Me: (breathes in one big) *SIGH*

Are Those Ear Muffs You're Wearing Or Are You Just Glad To Hear Me....?

2007-12-04T10:35:00.000-08:00

I need one of those ribbon magnets with the saying "Elementary School Band Concert Survivor".

Last night was Christian's Winter Concert. I feel like a bad parent because I was sort of dreading going to the thing. Why is that you ask? Um....Hello? I have ONE band member whom practices in my house...and now I had to go listen to a roomful of 9 and 10-year-olds? It would be the equation of dying farm animal x's 100. I guess what made it not so bad was that on the paper it stated that the concert would only last an hour. An hour didn't sound like too much torture. (Well that is according to me. If you ask my husband, he would tell you otherwise.)

What is that you say? -- You wish you could've been there? Well today is your lucky day! It's less than two minutes long, but it may feel like an hour. ;)

The Annual Weener Christmas Card...

2007-11-30T11:09:00.000-08:00

Since Rich and the boys have a love for comics, I thought that a comic book Christmas card would be appropriate.

If All The Cute Boys Were Out At Sea, What A Great Swimmer Weenermom Would Be...

2007-11-07T09:13:00.000-08:00

The other day - while I was rummaging through my closet trying to make room for Christmas presents - I came across my old school memory box. The box itself is nothing fancy. It's an old Xerox paper box that my dad brought home from work many, many years ago. Normally I would just toss the box to the side and ignore it, however, on this particular day I opened up the box. Did I mention that I pretty much squeezed a good six years of school memories in there? And boy when I opened it up tons of those memories came flooding back to me.

The first thing that caught my eye was the autograph book that my parents had given me for my fifth grade graduation from elementary school. I used that book for both my elementary and middle school (8th grade) graduations. I haven't looked through that book in years and when I went ahead and read what was written upon those pages, it all seemed new to me. My family had such nice things to say to me on the first pages of the book. There was my mom telling me how proud she is of me and my dad telling me he would love me more if I would tell him that he sings just like Elvis (btw...he doesn't!). There were also things written by my friends and classmates. Some names I remember, some I don't. I had to laugh at the swirly/decorative handwriting from the girls in my class. (I don't remember this girl...or what she looked like. I don't think we had a "party in '88 either. ;) )

I looked further in my memory box and found a photo album from my high school days. You know, the time of high hair, lots of eyeliner and American Top 40? *sigh* The good, ole days... The first page in my album has my senior picture. Originally, I was not thrilled with my senior picture because I looked a lot like my grandmother in the picture. Don't get me wrong, my grandmother was not an ugly woman...it's just what 17/18 year old girl wants to look like their *gasp* grandmother? However, as the years have gone by I really do like this picture not because I look "good" in it but because it reminds me of my grandmother.

There was the remnants from the wrist corsage that my senior prom date (who btw was 6'3" and looked like Randy Travis) had given me. We only went as friends (or that was my take on the whole prom date. Now as far as my date was concerned I think he would've like it to be more than a friend date.) I do recall that there were 10 of us in a limo and when the dance was over we went back to one of the boy's house. We snuck in some beer and played pool the rest of the night. My date tried to kiss me at the end, but I just turned my head. (I know...I'm mean!)

I also found my swim team and softball team pictures . I never was the star of any of the teams, but I was pretty good. To think that I thought I was fat then...what was I thinking? Oh to be 118 pounds again! (Shoot I'd take 140!)

I was just about to get further lost into my memories when I was taken back to reality when my pen-tattooed covered toddler threw a matchbox car in my direction. You know, sometimes it's fun to get lost in your memories. But I think I'm having even more fun making memories for/with my boys.

I'm bringing Christian home his very own Xerox box from work today. I wonder what memories he will put inside...

So I Had To Get This Shirt For Mason...

2007-11-01T09:34:00.001-07:00

Isn't it funny? I do have to admit though that the shirt would not be as funny if he is wearing it 20,30,40, etc.. years from now. Don't believe me? Well here you go...

See I told you. (Boy I hope he has better hygiene than that guy!)

Trick Or Treat, Smell My Feet...

2007-11-01T07:59:00.000-07:00

Before You Go Out Trick Or Treating...

2007-10-31T10:41:00.000-07:00

You might just want to check out this site first. There may be some houses you want to skip....

Happy Halloween....

2007-10-31T08:54:00.000-07:00

And now my favorite scene from my favorite Halloween cartoon...

:)

I Know What I Can Get Mason For Christmas...

2007-10-26T07:20:00.000-07:00

Scary Halloween decorations!

Mason in enthralled with everything Halloween. The scarecrows, the skeletons, the witches, etc... I'm serious. A normal five minute walk around the block has been turned into a thirty minute session. We have to stop at EVERY house that has some type of Halloween decoration...even the houses with only pumpkins....I'm talking your regular, "I got this at a pumpkin patch/grocery store" pumpkin. He literally will stop at every house that is decorated, turn to face the house and proceed to sit on his hands and knees to admire it. It really is kind of cute, but it's getting old.

So anyway my mom has these goblin things hanging from her porch. Mason loves them. In fact he loves them so much, my mom gave him one. Mason adores it to the point that he eats and sleeps with this thing.

Here are some pictures of Mason and his toy toy. As you can see, it's pretty hideous!

(Here he is kissing that ugly thing!)

I'm thinking that I may have to go to some stores and check out their Halloween clearance for Christmas.

What's The Word I'm Thinking Of...

2007-10-25T09:16:00.000-07:00

Control Freak?

Today is mis-match day at the boys' school in honor of "I won't get mixed up in drugs" or something like that. Basically, the kids are supposed to wear clothes that don't match.

So Christian is wearing a brown football tee-shirt over a long sleeved blue/grey UnderArmor shirt. His pants are black with a greet strip going down the sides with mismatched socks and tennis shoes. Timmy is wearing a green soccer jersey with his blue/white/black Nike pants. He is also sporting socks and shoe that don't match one another.

It's all cute and fun. However, it is freakin' killing me! Their clothes don't match and it's driving me a little crazy.

I swear I had to look away a couple of times.

When did I get this way?

The Weener Family Movie...

2007-10-21T10:40:00.001-07:00

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!:)

Do You Think YOU Can Dance.....

2007-10-21T10:07:00.001-07:00

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!HeeHee....

Well I'm A Donkey's Ass....

2007-10-18T13:07:00.000-07:00

It appears that I'm currently a democrat.

I found that out yesterday when I got my new voter card in the mail. (They changed my voting location.) It's always a fun game of "What's My Party Now?" when I get a new voter card. You see, I've changed my political party quite a few times because well to be frank (if you are of the "I'm loyal to my political party and/or politics is everything "I suggest you cover your eyes.) I just don't care!

I know I should care, but I just don't. There is just so much of the bullshit that goes on in politics. So much "I'll scratch your back if you'll scratch mine"...so many things that get caught up in red tape.

I just wish it all wasn't about what politcal party you're with and saying things (or not saying things) because you don't want to lose any voters.

Say what you mean!

Tell me what you stand for!

How do you really feel about the war? How do you feel about abortion? Stem cell research? The health care system? I don't care what your speech writer says...I want it all in your own words.

Maybe when politicians become more 'real' than maybe I will care. Shoot if they stop playing their games, I'll stop playing mine.

:)

So The Other Day I Stepped In Some Crap...

2007-10-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

and it didn't come from a dog or from any other four legged creature.

Nope.

The crap I stepped in came from the two-legged-toddler species.

It happened the other evening when the family came home late from a dinner at TGIFridays. Actually we spent more time than we originally wanted. We didn't get home until 8:30. (Thanks to the dessert.) Christian and Timmy had school the next day and so I was trying to sign papers/check homework before the next day. During the rush, I went and grabbed Mason's pajamas from upstairs and brought them down with me. I didn't put them on right away because I got distracted by signing someone's reading log. Mason asked for a drink and I got him one. I looked at him and told him that once Mommy was done she was going to put his pajamas on.

(I know what you are asking yourself....where is your helpful husband? Well he was busy on the phone with one of the guys from his fantasy football league...you know...top priorty stuff. And for the girls on the Yahoo FF, he took my team over! I made the mistake of giving him my login and password and he changing my players...offering trades...I'm sure you all know it's not me. Oh he officially calls it, "His Team". lol)

Where was I? Oh I was busy doing my nightly school ritual in half the time...

So I'm getting the stuff together and I see that Mason is taking off his pants. "What a big boy getting undressed!" I exclaimed. He stopped at the pants. (Note: Mason was wearing one of Timmy's too big jerseys that went to his knees so if he took off anything shorter than the jersey I did not notice or think to notice. Do you see where I'm going with this?)

I started getting the boys stuff together for their school lunches the next day. I look up and I see Mason semi-hiding in the family room...grunting and with red face.

"Are you pooping?" I asked.

"No." He lied back to me.

"Well, when I'm done doing this I'm going to change your diaper and put your pajamas on." I responded back.

I go about my business and there is just one last thing I have to sign. As I start to sign the paper I look up and notice that the shutters to the family room windows are open. I started to walk over to the windows.

And that's when I felt it. In all of it's squishiness under my bare foot.

It was poop.

I froze and screamed for someone to get me a wet paper towel. I looked down and it just wasn't in A pile. Oh no. That would be too simple (in the simple terms of having poop on your floor.).

Nope I had a trail of poop.

In the kitchen, as he was getting me my paper towel, Christian exclaimed, "There's poop in the kitchen too!"

And from the dining room I heard a faint, "It's in here too!" coming from Timmy.

Mason trotted in the family room with his "Yeah it was me and I think it's funny!" smirk on his face. And he is so freaking cute that I couldn't be too mad at him.

So for the rest of the evening I was cleaning up poop from the floor.

And as you might have guessed, Rich was still on the phone.

A Candy Corn......?

2007-10-10T10:37:00.000-07:00

Your Halloween Costume Should Be

Candy Corn

What Should You Be For Halloween?

2007-10-05T07:44:00.000-07:00

Apparently I Don't Know Squat About Japanese Toilets....

I'm sitting here at work and I'm in that "It's Friday and I don't want to do a damn thing" mood. So I'm just googling (man I LOVE google) the words 'potty training' because in the past week or so Mason has actually did his bathroom business on the potty. (Is that a Elmo underwear lining I see?)

And that is when I found the video I'm about to post. However before you watch the video, I recommend you first watch this video that I posted a year ago. This one seems to be a sequel to that video and deals with how to use the potty when you are out in public. Like the first video, this one is in Japanese and has some pretty catchy jingles. There are English subtitles (that I found pretty amusing), but I don't really think that's what they are actually saying. (Ya think?; ;) )

Enjoy!

2007-10-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

CHEEEEEEESE.........

2007-10-03T10:29:00.000-07:00

Toddler Door, Anyone.....?

It appears that Mason is not satisfied with opening and closing the screen door and came up with a new way to come into the house from the backyard.

Just think...with some pulling and maneuvering you too can have the same! BTW - The flies LOVE it!

2007-10-03T04:59:00.000-07:00

Okay....So Maybe It Sounds More Like A Dying Farm Animal....

2007-10-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

One Semester Of Spanish Love Song...

I was a B student in Spanish....

2007-10-01T10:37:00.000-07:00

A Note From Weenermom...

Dear Neighbors to the Weeners,

Beginning this evening, you may hear a strange/screeching sound coming from the Weener household. It will last approximately 20-30 minutes and will sporadically go on for days/weeks/years to come. The noise may sound as if an animal - most likely a cat....a loud, high pitched, wallowing cat - is being tortured and/or killed. Please note that is not the case. While we at the Weener house own no cats of our own, it does not mean that we do not like those of the feline species.

Let me explain what you will be hearing....

It seems that the oldest weener has decided to join the school band and will be playing the saxophone. So while there will be no torturing of any animals, the only thing that will be killed are songs such as, "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "Mary Had a Little Lamb". (Which if you think about it is the same tune...)

Just an FYI, Walmart is having a sale on ear plugs.

Thanks,
Weenermom

2007-09-28T13:07:00.000-07:00

HaPPy Birthday To The Bra ....!

What can I say? You're the BREAST! (or should that be "BREASTS"?)

;)

2007-09-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

Danny DeVito Has Left The Building.....

Thank God!

2007-09-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

I Wasn't Sure How What To Title This Post...

Here were the options.

Well, That Mom Will Have The Best Birth Story In Her Playgroup....

"Oh Please! My Baby's Leg Weighed More Than That." Said The Elephant....

Ummmm....Excuse Me, But I Just Gave Birth To A Toddler....

Whoa Baby....!
-------------------------------------------------------------

Woman gives birth to 'giant baby'

In the corner, weighing in at 17lb: "giant baby" Ademilton dos Santos

A woman in Brazil has given birth to a "giant baby" weighing 17lb (8kg) - twice the size of an average newborn.

Ademilton dos Santos is the heaviest boy ever born in Brazil, says the Brazilian Gynaecological Association.

Ademilton was born by Caesarean section on Wednesday at a hospital in Salvador in north-eastern Brazil.

He is Francisca Ramos dos Santos' fifth child and doctors said his unusual size was probably due to his mother's diabetes condition.

Paediatrician Luiz Sena Azul said Ademilton "could truly be considered a giant baby, for he was born weighing what a six-month-old-baby normally weighs".

'Surprise'

Mrs Santos, 38, has four other children - aged nine, 12, 14, and 15 -
who were all of normal weight when they were born.

"She knew Ademilton would be a big baby, but not this big," Ms Leal said.
"She, her husband and the hospital staff were caught by surprise."

Ademilton is being given glucose solution intravenously, to maintain a safe
level of blood sugar, because of his mother's diabetes.

He is also receiving oxygen because of breathing problems. But his general
state of health is good, according to the hospital director.

"Both mother and baby are doing just fine," said Rita Leal, director of the
Albert Sabin Maternity Hospital.

For Alfredo de Jesus dos Santos, his wife's diabetes was also a problem
during previous pregnancies.

"Yes, I got very worried," he said. "I got very worried because diabetes is a
disease that never gets better."

The Guinness Book of World Records says the heaviest baby ever was
born to Anna Bates of Canada in 1879.

It weighed 23.12lb (10.8kg) and died 11 hours after birth

Oooohhhh, I know what I should label the post...

OUCH....!!!

2007-09-21T06:47:00.000-07:00

Yes Weenermom, There Is A Puke Fairy....

After being up half of the night cleaning bedding covered with puke, cleaning the floor covered in puke, cleaning the toilet that was surrounded by puke and then cleaning the puker covered in puke - I think you get the idea...My night was rather...uhhh...pukey.

In between the vomit clean-ups, I would go back to bed and just lay there wide awake. Who would of thought that cleaning up puke can make one so roused? (Please don't confuse that with aroused.) So I'm in bed and I start to wonder what the Puke Fairy would look like...you know....if he were real.

You noticed I said he? Come on - The Puke Fairy has to be a He!
Also:

He is short.
He is round.
He is kind of hairy.
He wears a wife beater.
He carries cow tail candy in one hand. (Had a bad experience with those once.)
He has a puke bucket in the other hand.
His wings are kind of short and look like boomerangs.
He wears a trucker hat with the initials PF.
He has a New Jersey accent.

So in conclusion, if there is indeed a puke fairy....

He'd look like Danny Devito!

2007-09-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

It's Going To Be A Best Seller....

I took the Weeners to the library yesterday. Can I just say that I love the library. I love the smell of the books and the peacefulness of the whole place. Oh - How I love the quiet! (Did I just scream that? Shhhhh....)As I was waiting for one of the boys to pick his last book out (it was Christian this time...), I went exploring through the aisles of the children's section. You know, they have a book for everything! They have books on becoming a big brother and/or sister. They have books on how to tie your shoes. They have books on going to the doctor. Your first day of school. Et Cetera...Et Cetera... Why, they even have books based on a farting dog. However, there is one book they don't have out yet and I'll be damned if I'm not going to be the first.

I'm going to write a book entitled...
Are you ready for this?

***There Is No Santa***

Stop rolling your eyes and listen to what I have to say...You cannot deny that one day your child is going to come up to you (if they haven't already) and ask you whether or not Santa is real. Instead of getting thrown for a loop, wouldn't it be nice to just pop out the book - BAM! - and just let the book explain everything for you?

Here's the rough draft. Oh, I have ideas for the illustration also...those ideas will be in parenthesis.

THERE IS NO SANTA
(Front cover illustration will have a motherly figure taking off a Santa mask...Think Friday The 13th movie case cover minus the blood)

(Picture of a mom sitting down drinking a cup of cocoa with her son. )
There is no such thing as Santa.
Why - It really is me.
I buy all of your presents.
And put them under the tree.

I shop days in advance.
Then wrap all of your gifts.
I get held up in the parking lots.
And get into ‘I had that first!’ tiffs.
(Drawing of two women playing tug of war with some toy that will probably break after the first five minutes of their child opening the thing. We can't forget the man in the background who is on the floor due to being ran over by a shopping cart.)

I camp out before dawn
At THE one and only store -
That sells your #1 request
And they don’t have anymore!
(Picture of woman shaving legs in front of a Best Buy.)

I hide the gifts in my closet -
Under a quilt that is old and torn.
It’s right next to my shoe shelf…
And your dad’s box of por…Oops, you don’t need to know about that!
(PICTURE CENSORED)

Do you want to know something else?
Why, it’s pretty funny.
I’m also the tooth fairy.
Oh and the Easter Bunny!
(Picture of the tooth fairy and the EB lying (laying?) on they floor with X's for eyes)

I’ve been lying for years.
But please don’t be so mad.
Can you do me a favor though?
Can you go tell your dad?
(Picture of boy sitting with father who is sobbing uncontrollably)

Yeah...I know you are upset that you didn't think of this sooner. Btw...Does anyone know how to draw? ;)

2007-09-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

Happy "Talk Like An Aging Musician From The Rolling Stones Who Did Way Too Many Drugs And Who Once Tried To Snort His Dead Dad's Ashes" Day To You!

Ooops...I mean Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day...matey.

:)

2007-09-18T06:58:00.000-07:00

The Wall

Many, many years ago I put up a wall.

I've never really mentioned this wall because...well...that would have totally ruined it's purpose and to tell you the truth I've had this wall for so long...that it's a part of who I am.

Before I continue, let me just state that this wall:

1. Is not as immense as the Great Wall of China. (But sometimes it can feel just as big...)
2. Nor is this wall infamous for a known nursery rhyme character's fall.
3. And...no...Pink Floyd never named an album after my wall.

This wall was put up to protect myself from ever getting emotionally hurt and/or betrayed by others who happen to come across and try to befriend me. Don't get me wrong, there are some people that I let near my wall. There are even some people who I let climb my wall, but I only let them hang out at the top. They usually get a glimpse of the other side, but heaven forbid if they ever try to climb on over. Usually these people hang around for a while, but they get tired of sitting on the top and they leave.

I should also mention that my wall - while made of some of the most rigid and impenetrable of material, is invisible. It's obscured because I don't want to anger anyone who happens to walk by my wall. Even though my wall is invisible, you may find some grafitti on the outer layers. However, it's usually only smiley faces and corny jokes or...ahem...puns you will come across. You will NEVER find any political and/or controversal grafitti on my wall. Why should I let my views offend anyone? That grafitti is only for the inside walls.

And while I do hate to admit this, I believe that the wall is there to help hide any of my flaws - not in my outer landscaping...because no wall can hide that, but in my internal view.

I've been doing a lot of talking with my inner archetect. A. Lot. I have come to the conclusion that this wall needs to come down because one of these days it's going to collapse right on top of me and the sad part is no one will remember me. I am so sick and so tired of this wall. The maintenance on it is wearing me down after all of these years. Not to mention that sometimes it gets pretty damn lonely standing...guarding the inside of this wall.

It's not going to be an easy process. Nope, one whack of a wrecking ball isn't going to knock this wall down. I'm going to have to take this baby down one brick at a time. I know that there are going to be days when I won't make any progress on tearing down this wall of mine, but I can tell you that it IS coming down. Perhaps maybe...just maybe...when you cross paths with me and my wall; you may come across some of the rubble from the work in progress . And when you look in that pile of debris you may just find a piece of grafitti from the inner wall that has been keeping prisoner for all of these years.

And if you'd like, I'd let you keep that piece.

2007-09-10T09:08:00.001-07:00

Do You Want To Go To The Party....?

Date: Today
Time: Right Now
Event: The Party In My Tummy!
No need to RSVP.

I find Yo Gabba Gabba a bit freaky. Mason, however, adores it in that strange-toddler fashion. ;) I do have to admit that this song is pretty catchy though....

2007-09-05T09:48:00.000-07:00

They Still Can't Fly, But....

Apparently they can tell you what kind of personality you have. Here is what they say about me...

1. I'm pessimistic and have a tendency to behave negatively. (Define "behave negatively"...I've never broken the law, but if you are talking about my grammar...I may have used a double negative at one time or another.)
2. I am direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions. (*snort*Yeah right...I am the Queen of Avoidance!)
3. I am emotional and naive. I care little for details and am a risk-taker. (While most of that is true, I am far from a risk taker.)
4. I'm a good listener. (Can you repeat that? - I wasn't listening. )
5. The quality of my sex life is good! (Yep...I have the sex life of a 75-year-old man on viagra. ;) )

And to think someone got that all out of this picture of a pig I drew...

Do you want to what your personality is too? Go here to find out!

2007-09-04T11:28:00.000-07:00

My One And Only Reason I Don't Want A Wife...

Many wives - myself included - have joked about needing our very own wife. I have to admit that it would be nice to have some help. It's not that my husband doesn't do anything - he does. It just sometimes feels like I have more stuff to do around the house. Oh....hold on...I do have more stuff I have to do.... However after much thought and consideration, I might have to change my mind on that decision of a wife of my own.

This is why....

Come late at night when my husband...ummm...how do I put this? - "propositions" me with a night (or twenty minutes) of 'love'...my excuse of 'not tonite because I'm too tired from (fill in the blank)' will not work. It's not that I don't like getting intimate...I do. It's just the idea of him expecting it more. Oh and then it's that whole girl-on-girl action that I'm sure he would want to watch and probably take part in...and well...I just can't picture myself with another woman...

Oh wait let me think about that....

(image in head)

Yeah - like I said - I don't want a wife. ;)

2007-08-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

Trying To Make Mason Go On Potty Is Like...

Trying to make Amy Winehouse go to rehab. :) In fact we wrote a little song about it...

Potty

They tried to make me go to the potty
I said ‘no, no, no’
Yes make my diaper brown/black and when I come back
You’ll know, know, know

I ain’t got the time
And if my mommy thinks I’m fine
She’s tried to make me go potty
I won’t go, go, go

I’d rather be in a diaper all day
It’s the reformist toddler way
Coz there’s nothing
There’s nothing you can teach me
That I can’t learn from Elmo, okay

Didn’t get a diaper rash
But I know it can happen in a flash

They’re tryin to make me go potty
I said no, no, no
Yes make my diaper brown/black and when I come back
You’ll know, know, know

I ain’t got the time
And if my mommy thinks I’m fine
She’s tried to make me go potty
I won’t go, go, go

The potty said, why you think you here?
I said, I got no idea
I’m gonna, I’m gonna loose my diapy
So I always keep a new one near

Said the potty, I’m not impressed
Wipe me, yeah baby
And go rest

I’m tryin to make me go potty
I said no, no, no
Yes make my diaper brown/black and when I come back
You’ll know, know, know

I don’t ever wanna be wet again
I just, ooo, I just need a friend
I’m not gonna spend a week
Have everyone think I’m on a dry mend

It’s not just my pride
It’s just I really want to be dried

I’m tryin to make me go potty
I said no, no, no
Yes make my diaper brown/black and when I come back
You’ll know, know, know

I ain’t got the time
And if my mommy thinks I’m fine
She’s tried to make me go potty
I won’t go, go, go

2007-08-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

If You Name It After A Dance That They Did When They Were Young, They Will Buy It....

A company is selling a phone that is targeted towards people of...ummm....advanced age. (Read: They're old.) It's called Jitterbug. Maybe you have seen a commercial for it at some time or other. I can't exactly remember how the commercial goes, but I do know this: As soon as I see the commercial, that damn song is in my head for the rest of the day.

"Jitterbug....do....do....do....do....dodo....The Jitterbug....do....do...do.....do.....dodo...."

So anyway...

The concept of the phone is BIG numbers and/or has labels of the most important places to call. (i.e. The operator, the tow company, 911.) Now I am not knocking this product one bit. In fact, I hope they have a phone like this once I am officially* old. I will buy it, that is, if phones aren't obsolete by then. If they are around, however, they'll have to change the name of the phone. The Jitterbug sounds like something for old people. Here is the list of my suggestions for names:

1.) The "Running Man" Phone

2.) The "Moonwalk" Phone

3.) The "Vogue" Phone

4.) The "Electric Slide" Phone

5.) The "Robot" Phone

6.) The "Head Bob Sway Side-To-Side Dance That Kevin Bacon Did In Footloose Along With Every Other White Kid In the 80's " Phone

Anybody else have any suggestions? :)

*Dear ARP - and the company that puts out those nursing home brochures,

Stop sending me stuff in the mail. I'm only 33...er...25.

Weenermom

2007-08-15T07:53:00.000-07:00

Hodge-Podge...

These are just some things I've learned (or had to learn again) this summer...

1.) I'm old.

2.) Having an independent - "Look Ma...I can do it all by myself!" 2-year-old - is nice.

3.) Having an independent - "Even though I've been trying to get up in this chair for the past 10 minutes and I'm getting pissed and don't think of helping me because I'll still scream." 2-year-old - is not as nice.

4.) Apparently, 7-year-olds know EVERYTHING.

5.) My almost 9-year-old is almost as big as me.

6.) I LOVE beer bread from Tastefully Simple.

7.) I LOVE almond cake with strawberry rhubarb stuffed in the middle from Tastefully Simple.

8.) Shoot...I LOVE almost anything that Tastefully Simple sells. (I still don't like the Merlot sauce though...)

9.) I've gained seven pounds...thanks to Tastefully Simple. (Damn them!)

10.) I had to add another mile to my daily run/jog thanks to try to lose those seven pounds.

11.) When you ship your kids to your mil's with the idea that you are going to add some 'spark' with your husband....It actually means that you can go to sleep earlier in the evening and sleep later in the morning.

12.) It seems that size DOES matter...even to a 7-year-old who - when going to the store to buy an athletic cup - refuses to get one that refers to the size he needs as "pee wee".

13.) I've come to the conclusion that I'm never going to get undressed in front of my 2-year-old again. The last time I got undressed in front of him - and before I even got to take my shirt off - he automatically points to my knees and exclaims, "Boobies!!"

14.) I need a boob-lift.

15.) Chocolate.Fudge.Brownies. (Man I'd kill for some right now...)

2007-08-15T07:52:00.000-07:00

Yeah...I'm A Crappy Blogger...

Now let's move on...shall we?

2007-07-27T05:28:00.001-07:00

2007-07-26T08:24:00.000-07:00

I Guess It's Time For My Monthly Update....

Well, it appears that life has got in the way of my blogging! This summer is going by pretty fast and we at the Weener house have been very busy. Let me update you (with pictures of course!) on what has been up with me and the boys.

4th of July

With the 4th falling in the middle of the week, we came to the conclusion that we just wouldn't do anything. We decided to just lay low and relax for the day. However since my family does not know how to relax, Rich and I decided to take a day trip to Hersheypark for the 4th instead. (Did I mention that we decided to do this on the 3rd?)

It was really fun!

C and T played in the water area...

(Can you spot Christian?)

Mason got to consume a LOT of junk...

M got to drive a firetruck...

And again....

And again.....(Do you see a pattern here?)

He also go to ride on a bumblebee....

But by the look on his face, I think he like the firetruck better...

Mason's 2nd Birthday

Birthday cake...

*Note* Never bring up your wife's 'diet' while she is cutting herself a piece of cake. It could get ugly...

Opening presents (He either got trucks or money)....

Mason testing out his new trucks on his favorite window ledge....

Blowing bubbles on his birthday...

Jumping on the trampline on his birthday...

Busch Gardens/Watercountry Vacation

My Weeners....

The rides...

In order to afford our vacation, the Weener's had to get part-time jobs...

C and T became grape-stompers...

And then quit to become either royalty or a member of the court (the pay was MUCH better!)

Mason became an airplane pilot...(And while the destination would only take you back to where you started from, it was so much better than those other airlines because there are no delays!)

We got in a little trouble...

While tripping on my own feet, I got in trouble for unknowingling teaching my two-year-old the phrase 'damn it!' Christian got in trouble for laughing everytime his little brother would say 'damn it' while riding on a boat ride...

Oh and I told the boys where babies come from...

Why they hatch from eggs, of course!

(okay so maybe I didn't mention that...)

My Birthday

In the middle of the vacation, I had a birthday...

Ocean City

After staying in Busch Gardens for a few day, we headed on over to Ocean City for a two day/night stay.

The ocean...
(Warning: Some of these pictures may contain me wearing a bathing suit...considered yourself warned!)

Christian got buried...

Timmy and Mason worked on a sand sculpture...

And it turned out beautiful....

(Okay...so maybe it didn't look quite like that!)

We saw a rainbow...

We came to the conclusion that we are short...

And the boys really did find out where babies came from...

(Why from zebra's butts....duh!)

*Phew* I think I have to stop now...and to think that this is the SHORT version. ;)

2007-06-27T10:36:00.000-07:00

Why I Love Mother Nature And Oriental Trading Company....

About a month ago I sent out homemade party invitations for Timmy's 7th birthday party and that is what inspired me to have a carnival theme party:

I was really worried about how things were going to turn out because...

1.) If it would've rained, I would've been royally screwed.

and

2.) How the heck was I going to run the stands by myself?

In the end the weather was awesome (82 degrees with a nice breeze) and my mom, sister and two brother-in-laws helped me run the six stations. Where was Rich, you ask? Oh... he was busy taking pictures. Unfortunately, he didn't get all of the details that I would've gotten if I were the photographer. So let me show you with the files that I created them on...

I had made little signs on sticks pointing towards the backyard gate (the entrance to the 'carnival')that said:

Once the kids got to the gate, I had set up a little table. There the kids got an empty bag with 15 tickets inside. I also had set up a raffle to win an inflatable monkey. The raffle tickets looked like this:

I had made up signs for each game station as well. Here is a sample:

I also made a couple other signs....

For the 'concession stand' we had pizza (ordered from our favorite pizza place), corn dogs (pre-made frozen corndogs that I got from the grocery store...you just pop those suckers in the over and voila!), buttered popcorn (the pre-popped kind from the grocery store...I bought small individual popcorn bags and just put some popcorn in each bag), homemade caramel apples (they looked kind of pathetic, but were actually really good) and snowballs (we used the ice shaver that we got at Target a couple of years ago). It was a really simple menu.

Here are some pictures from Timmy's party.

a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank">

(and I have to throw in a picture of my very enthusiastic looking mil! lol)

The prizes the kids won were some cheap things I ordered from Oriental Trading company. I also picked up some ring pops and push pops too from BJs.

All in all it was an excellent day. I would just like to pat myself on the back for actually pulling it off!

2007-06-21T07:15:00.000-07:00

Name That Tune...

Can you guess what song Mason is singing?

(Is he freakin' cute or what?!)

The first person to guess correctly can win** a.....uhhhh.....pack of weiners (yes, I mean hotdogs silly!).

**Of course you know that means you would have to give me your address. Do you really want me to know that information? ;)

2007-06-20T10:55:00.000-07:00

25 Years From Now...

This Made Me Laugh...

----------------------------------------
...and now a word with the Weeners...25 years later...

Christian - "We had a...how do I put this? - pretty normal childhood."

Timmy - "Ha! I just will never be able to eat any hotdogs...ever!"

Christian - "Oh yeah...because of the whole 'weener/weiner' thing...

Mason - "Elmo! Elmo!"

Timmy - "Go ahead Mason....show 'em the Elmo tattoo that I did for you the other day. You know the one that's on your stomache. Do you like how I made Mason's belly button look like Elmo's anus?"

Christian - "Yep and just think, that never would've been possible if Mom never got us that tattoo making kit when we were kids. That's a great thing Mom did for us...."

Timmy - "And then she got us that self-piercing kit. That was pretty cool too."

Mason - "Elmo!"

Christian - "Oh that's right...that until we tried to pierce Mason's Elmo underoos..."

Timmy - "Yeah and Mason was still wearing them..."

Christian - "It's a miracle that he even has four kids..."

Mason - "Elmo! Elmo! Elmo! Elmo!"

Christian - "Yep...all named Elmo...."

2007-06-19T06:32:00.000-07:00

And The Answer To Yesterday's Question Is....

TIMMY!!

I guess that was an easy one, huh? Congrats to Shannon and Nique (and anyone else who guessed correctly in their head) for getting the correct answer. ;) The story is that Timmy fished out his old snow boots the other day and it appears that he likes to wear them when he is playing outside. However, I will not - I repeat - I will NOT let him wear them anywhere else, but right out front of our house.

Our neighbors already know that we're a strange family, but we can't have anyone else think that too....

2007-06-18T09:42:00.000-07:00

Just What Every Child Needs....

A tattoo kit!?

All I can say if it were my boys, they'd try give each other tattoos like this:

And this...

All the kids would next is a self-piercing kit and a bail money piggybank!

2007-06-18T07:17:00.001-07:00

Since My Mom Won't Buy Me Crocs...

Can you guess which one of my children was sporting these lovely pair of snow boots on a day that was 85 degrees?

Answer Will Be Posted Later!

2007-06-17T05:32:00.001-07:00

Our Father's Day Card To The Weener-Dad....

Some of you may know that my hubby is kind of a comic book geek. I thought he may appreciate this 'card' I made him...I hope he likes it!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL OF THE DADS OUT THERE!!

2007-06-16T05:50:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday Timmy!!

Today is Timmy's birthday. He's 7-years-old today...SEVEN!

Things to know about Timmy....

1. He loves to cuddle and will still give me hugs and kisses without a fight.

2. He is very good in math. He loves to play with numbers.

3. He is the neighborhood Pokemon godfather. The neighborhood kids always want him to show them new stuff on the Pokemon DS games.

4. He is very shy and suffers from a little bit of anxiety when introduced to new situations.

5. He is a reformed boogie picker/eater.

6. He will be in second grade next year.

7. He loves to hide his dirty socks....still....

8. His favorite food is lasagna.

9. He is very flexible and can do a split without twisting his torso.

10. He is loved very much.

2007-06-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

Weenerm0m's Question Of The Day....

Do you think this family looks back at this picture and asks themselves, "What the hell were we thinking?"?

Here's another question. Is the kid a boy or a girl?

(And for those wondering...NO! It's not MY family because back in the day I'd never go out without my blue eyeliner.)

2007-06-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

Other People's Kids...

I've been debating on whether or not I should post this because I don't want to come out of this post looking like a grumpy, old woman. Against my better judgement, however, I'm just going to let the old hag that is dormant in my body come out....

Let me start off by saying that I know my kids are no angels. I don't have them on any "My kids are better than everyone else's" pedestal and I'm sure my kids are guilty of some things that annoys other kid's parents.

Chapter I -

The Refridgerator Raiders (Otherwise known as the Gremlin Syndrome) ...

Normally you don't mind feeding the other people's kids that come over to play with your own kids. You give them a snack every now and then. Usually they don't even have to ask for something to eat...you just give it to them from the bottom of your "I want to be a cool mom" heart. However, the Refridgerator Raiders are different. As soon as these kids come over to play with your kids they make it known that they are 'dying' from hunger. Apparently the hunger pains hit them as soon as they enter the door to your house. It usually starts out innocent with a slice of watermelon one day and a fudgesicle the next, but before you know it they hint at the chips and cookies and popsicles and grapes and carrot sticks and cheese...etc... that are in your house.

The funny part is that you know that they're parents actually do feed them.

Solution:

You can tell them no when they ask if they can have that banana (which btw is the last one and you had your eye on it yourself.).
You can lie and say you don't have anything to give them to eat.
You can purposely NOT have anything to eat just to spite him/her.
You can tell them to go home and ask their parents for something to eat.
You can move.

Chapter II

The Spend-The-Night Knights...

You know it's coming by the whispers and the plotting that is going on around you. You also know it's going to be asked because a couple of minutes after the other people's kid came over, s/he asks your kid, "Do you want me to spend the night?" You hold your breath and just keep acting as if you can't hear a lick of what they are mumbling to each other. So you sit and wait for the moment that the question will be asked. Now mind you that it's the start of the weekend and all you want do is relax. As a matter of fact, the other people's kid spent the night last weekend too...so now they was a repeat of last weekend? You already know that you are going to say 'no' to the sleepover, but you know you are going to have a battle once the other people's kid informs your kid that their mom already said that s/he can spend the night at your house. (Which drives me batty!) Oh and also watch out because these kids will often have backup plans for spending the night at some other other peoples kid's home. This is most likely result in your kid having a major meltdown when you say no.

Solution:

You can put on some earplugs, say "No, not this weekend." and book out of the room.
You can say, "You can't sleep over here, but 'insert your own kid's name' can spend the night at your house!"
You can just mention something about the boogie man that lives in your closet and who seems to only come out when your kids have friends over for the night.
You can move.

Chapter III
The Ding-Dongers ( can also be known as the Knock-Knock-Knockers)....

Finally - a moment of peace! Your kids are outside playing with the other people's kids. With the baby taking a nap, you have some time to just sit down and relax with some vanilla yogurt* and an old episode of 90210 that is playing on some random cable channel. Just as you are about to witness Brenda lose her virginity to Dylan...your doorbell rings. Wouldn't you know - it's your friendly neighborhood Ding-Donger! Once you become quite familiar with the Ding-Donger, you don't answer the door with a 'hello' but rather with a "What did he (meaning your own kid) do now?"

The Ding-Donger loves to tell you EVERYTHING that your own kids have said/did/chant that s/he is not happy about. Whether it be that your kid didn't give him/her a turn while playing kickball or that your kid was making cross-eyes while crossing the street. At first you may take it personally and think that you must have some bad kid, however, you re-think that once you get that 50th ringing of the doorbell for the day. It's also reassuring to you when you see that your doorbell isn't the only one the Ding-Donger love to ring. Apparently this kid has issues with all of the other-other people's kids in the neighborhood too.

*Make sure you are out of sight from the Refridgerator Raiders.

Solution:

You can just go along with the Ding-Donger and listen to whatever predicament s/he has at that moment.
You can disassemble your doorbell, but then the Ding-Donger will become a Knock-Knock-Knocker which btw can be even more annoying than the ding donging of the doorbell.
You can put a tattle box on the porch and just have the Ding-Donger write down all of his/her issues.
You can move.

to be continued....

2007-06-13T07:07:00.000-07:00

Raising Up My Potato Radio....

Mr. Wizard was the first person to make science not only fun, but cool too. He'd make cereal explode and do things with mayonaise jars that I never thought possible...

And how can you forget the opening credits?

Peace out Mr. Wizard!

2007-06-08T10:00:00.001-07:00

CAUGHT...!

Crime(s):
(1)Neglecting Blog
(2)Blog-Reader Endangerment
(3) ......... Abuse

Doing my best Paris Hilton mugshot impersonation...

Oh and I can't forget one of my favorite mugshots ever...

Guess you better add "Bad Impersonations" to my list of crimes too.....

2007-06-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

HaPpY bIrThDaY sWeEtIe!!

Today the love of my life...my soulmate...the father of my three weeners....is turning thirty-something today.

And I - being the good wife that I am - will be going out in like twenty minutes to get him something for his birthday. Yeah...I'm last-minute-louie, but that is only one of the many reasons why he loves me. You see not only is the calendar aging him, but being married to ME is aging him as well.

One of these days the calendar will catch up with me....

2007-05-25T06:29:00.000-07:00

Just A Small Request...

If I ever start blabbing about how much I love to paint (as in painting the walls...not a picture), please just take a paint roller and whack me over the head a few (hundred) times. Can you do that?

Thanks.

:)

2007-05-25T06:24:00.000-07:00

Since I Am Currently Suffering From This Myself....

Here is a little movie on how to deal with me today.

BTW...Does my blog look fat?

2007-05-24T10:05:00.001-07:00

So I Got The Thinking...
(Warning: It's pretty scary whenever I say, "So I got the thinking...")

They have singing telegrams for birthdays and they even have them for special events like a job promotion or anniversary. However, they don't have singing telegrams to cover those special mommy moments.

Are you confused? Here let me set this up for you...
---------------
Scenario:

You are walking down the stairs...catching your breath after running around the house trying to catch your toddler (who btw was recently potty-trained) so s/he can take his/her afternoon nap. All of the sudden someone rings your doorbell. As you blow the displaced strands of hair out of your face, you look up to see who is at the door. Needless to say you are kinda dumbfounded when you see it's some guy dressed up as an oversized diaper. You don't know whether to just start running - because apparently this guy is insane - or to ask him what he wants.

You stay there and ask the diaper what he wants.

Imagine your surprise when he tells you that your friend 'fill-in-the-blank' has sent you a singing telegram and the big diaper-guy starts to sing...

(to the music of "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" by Frankie Valli )

You know it's too good to be true
No more kids in diapers for you
Goodbye Huggies and such
No more padded bottoms to touch
At long last the time has arrived
All of those diaper-years you survived
You know it's too good to be true
No more changin' poo-poo for you

A potty, baby
Squeezed in your bathroom tight
A potty, baby
No more twisty diaper fights
A potty, baby
Trust in me when I say
A potty, baby
Teach 'em aim correctly, I pray
A potty, baby
Now the underwear is here to stay

No more diapers for you, baby
No more diapers....

End scene.
----------------

So what'da think?

Too scary and strange, you say?

Darn...and I had a great song for that moment when you finally get rid of the pacifer that was set to the music of 'Cherry Pie' by Warrant. (Goodbye, Noonie, bye bye...). Oh...the song for after you had "the" talk with you adolescent. (You talked about sex baby. You talked about the birds and the bees...).

*Sigh*

2007-05-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

A Trip To The Zoo...
(by Mason)

The End.....

2007-05-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

I Just Don't Get It...

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/05/15/baby.gun.ap/index.html
------------
CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) -- "Bubba" Ludwig can't walk, talk or open the refrigerator door -- but he does have his very own Illinois gun permit.

The 10-month-old, whose given name is Howard David Ludwig, was issued a firearm owner's identification card after his father, Howard Ludwig, paid the $5 fee and filled out the application, not expecting to actually get one.

The card lists the baby's height (2 feet, 3 inches), weight (20 pounds) and has a scribble where the signature should be.

With some exceptions, the cards are required of any Illinois residents purchasing or possessing firearms or ammunition within the state. There are no age restrictions on the cards, an official said.

Illinois State Police oversee the application process. Their purpose, said Lt. Scott Compton, is to keep guns out of the hands of convicted felons, those under an order of protection and those convicted of domestic violence.

"Does a 10-month-old need a FOID card? No, but there are no restrictions under the act regarding age of applicants," he said.

Ludwig, 30, of Chicago, applied for the card after his own father bought Bubba a 12-gauge Beretta shotgun as a gift. The weapon will probably be kept at Ludwig's father's house until the boy is at least 14.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can hear the father now...

"Hey son. Why don't I push you in your stroller down by the shooting range and we can play with your pow-pows? Oh, but first let's change that poopy diaper. "

2007-05-16T10:11:00.000-07:00

And The Winners Are....

(Since I know you all are dying to know.)

After lots of changing room horrors and the many nightmare from the images from those said rooms that followed, I finally purchased my two bathing suits for the summer! While I still don't have either one of the pictured models' figures, I am happy to report that both suits fit! As a matter of fact, both of the suits I bought keeps everything in all of their correct places...and -even better - they push the things that are in the wrong places... right back up to where they're supposed to be.

Here are the winners...

2007-05-16T09:58:00.000-07:00

This Sure Takes The Fun Out Of...

1.) Peeing on the toilet seat and having your mom complain about how you need to watch your aim.

and

2.) "Forgetting" to put the toilet seat down and hearing the splash of the toilet water as your mom falls in...

2007-05-14T10:11:00.000-07:00

Question...

Is it wrong to go online to get an idea of how much your husband spent on you for Mother's Day?

:)

2007-05-14T04:29:00.000-07:00

The After-Mother's-Day-Clean-Up.....

It was a wonderful day and I was treated like a queen, however....

2007-05-13T06:37:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day....

"It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't." - Barbara Kingston

"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his." - Oscar Wilde

"Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit." -- Bill Cosby

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home." - Phyllis Diller

(From Me to You...Just print it and fill it out. ;) )

2007-05-11T14:42:00.000-07:00

I Don't Have A Shot In Hell To Win...

There is a weekly writing contest sponsored by Suave and Sprint. One of this weeks topics is 'Kids And Bribery'. I written this whole thing and submitted it...only to find out that it's 1100 words max. Oops! I'm a little wordy. I still wanted to share with you!

I'll Give You An Offer You Can't Refuse

Before I even had a child of my own, I already had my “I’ll Never” list written up and saved in the top of my head. You can deny it all want, but you know you had your very own “I’ll Never” list too. Maybe you named your list something different, like “I Won’t Let” or “My Children Aren’t”, but in the end it’s all the same. I find that these lists are so much easier to come about when you don’t have any children of your own. After all, parenting is so much easier to do when you are on the outside looking through someone else’s window that is filled with smudges from tiny handprints.

Somewhere on my list - between line number 87 (I’ll never let my child drink any substance that contains sugar.) and line number 132 (I’ll never let my child go out in public wearing THAT.) - was line 103. I’ll Never try to sway my child with bribery…no matter how desperate the situation.

I added 103 to my list after witnessing years of my nephew getting exactly what he wanted from bribes per my sister. He’d have meltdowns in the middle of the mall because my sister wouldn’t get him a (insert any obnoxious toy that has lights, makes plenty of noise and costs a small fortune). My sister tried reasoning with my nephew. When that wouldn’t work, she’d threaten him. In the end, my sister’s efforts were all unsuccessful and my nephew would get what he wanted.

That wasn’t going to happen to me because 1.) My children would never behave like that and 2.) If they did behave badly, they would certainly listen to my reasoning. (Like I said…other people’s smudged windows…)

And then one day it happened.

I had a baby….

Now I’m not going to lie to you. There were some things on my list that I just could not live up to, such as “I’ll never let my baby cry it out” or “I’ll never sing any Milli Vanilli songs to my child”. However, there were some items on my “I’ll Never” list that I managed to stick to my guns with. For instance, I never let my son have any solids until the required 4-6 months (number 27), I never let my mother-in-law dress my son in those sissy-looking sailor suits that she loved and I loathed (number 236) and I most certainly did not need to use number 103.

And then one day something else happened.

My son – my baby – became a toddler. (Do you see where I’m going with this?)

Toddlers, I discovered, are a bit trickier to deal with than babies. With babies, everything is new and – for the most part – they just go with the flow. However, toddlers are more familiar with their wants and needs and – well – when they want something they WANT it like…right now!

SCENE

I’m not exactly sure how Friday became the designated grocery-shopping day, it just was. I’d always go to the store after my son took his afternoon nap because it was late enough to miss the morning senior-citizen rush, but it was still enough time to get the ‘good’ meats and fruits. However, this Friday was like no other. My then two-year-old son was in his “I refuse to nap” phase and boy was he cranky.

Usually when I’d grab his shoes, my son would get all giddy and run to the door. However, on this day he grabbed my leg and screamed “No! No go!” After about five minutes of trying to reason with him (stop laughing!), I sat down on the kitchen chair – with my son still super-glued to my leg.

Eventually, he got off of me and ran over to his favorite pair of Elmo slippers. He grabbed them and ran over to me, “Put on!”

As I was putting on my son’s slippers on his feet, the mommy-wheels started turning in my head. “Do you want to wear your Elmo slippers to the store?” I asked.

“Store! Store!”

Before we got to the garage door, where the car was parked, he pulled away from me.

“No! Don’t wanna!”

He then ran into the family room and grabbed his Superman pajama shirt that also had a cape.

“Put on.” He demanded.

“Come on. We have to go to the store. I’ll let you wear it later before you go to bed.”

“On!”

“Alright if you wear it will you go to the store?”

“Store!”

So I took off his cute little OshKosh t-shirt (which by the way matched his shorts) and put on the Superman pajama top (that did NOT match with his shorts) that was sticky from the pancakes he had for breakfast. (Buh-bye number 132!)

We were already to go and I was so ecstatic that we made it to the garage. My moment of happiness did not last long. That is where he saw IT. “It” was his Hot Wheels bike helmet. “Want met!” He said pointing to the helmet.

“No you can’t wear it now. We have to go to the store.”

“Want it! No store!”

He began to struggle out of my grip. I tried to hold on to him, but he was just too wiggly. He got to the helmet before I got to him.

“You can put your helmet on later when you ride your bike.” I told him as I tried to take the helmet out of his grip.

“Nooooo!” He said squirming to hold on to the helmet.

And that’s when it happened.

Unfortunately, the helmet got away from both of our clutches It went onto the floor and proceeded to fall right onto my big toe….It hurt.

And that’s when I said it.

“(%^#@!!” (Starts with “sh” and rhymes with “fit”) I screamed. -- And that’s when line number 5 - “I’ll never curse in front of my kids” got scratched off of my list.

“#$%&!” My son exclaimed repeating the word that I had just said.

“@*(&!”

“!@(*”

He said over and over.

I was horrified and in a whim I grabbed his bike helmet.

“Do you want to wear the helmet to the store? You can wear it if you stop saying that word.”

“Store! Store!”

In the end, I did go to the store with my Superman-pajama-Elmo-slipper-wearing-bike-helmet-toting son who was over-tired and who also learned a new word. Luckily the store still had the good meats and fruit available.

Some may call it bribery. I call it negotiating.

As for the list? …Only people with the nice clean windows

2007-05-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

This Made Me Laugh....

For those of you who have (or once had) a Dora-loving toddler at home, you might appreciate this:

(And yes...the real Dora can seem just as pushy. lol)

2007-05-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

Good Luck Or Bad Luck.....?

Your doctors tell you that you are very sick and have about a year to live. You quit your job and do away with all of your possessions by either selling them or giving them away. You then proceed to live what's left of your life to the fullest...you take plenty of trips and spurge on expensive restaurants. In the end, the only thing you have left is the clothes that you are to be buried in.

And then something funny happens...

A year goes by...and you're not dead.

Another year goes by and you're still not dead.

What's up with that?

So you go to the doctor only to find out...Oops! It appears that you don't have that life threatening disease afterall. You are going to live... It's a miracle!

You are very happy to find out that you are not going to die any time soon. However, you now pretty much have nothing.

And now he's suing the hospital...
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070507/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_britain_spree;_ylt=AhcgKL_.nihtFtxb3SsY1HrtiBIF

Ummm...maybe he should've gotten a second opinion?

2007-05-10T07:11:00.000-07:00

It's Nice Out...Go Outside!...

The other day the Weener's and I were outside goofing around. It really was such a beautiful day. The sky was the prettiest of blue and the clouds looked like puffy pillows. The birds were singing and the Weener's were in the best of moods. (Read: There was no drama or meltdowns!) So I took out my camera and snapped some pictures.

Christian

Timmy

Mason (who for once was not trying to eat dirt!)

I just love days like that!

2007-05-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

My Mother's Day Countdown...

The Five Days Before Mother's Day (because I'm too lazy to do twelve...)

On the fifth day before Mother's Day
The Weener's will give to me....
Five minutes peace to go pee

On the fourth day before Mother's Day
The Weener's will give to me
**Three sticky hugs**
....And five minutes peace to go pee

On the third day before Mother's Day
The Weener's will give to me
**No requests for any friends**
...Three sticky hugs
...And five minutes peace to go pee

On the second day before Mother's Day
The Weener's will give to me
**No potty words**
...Or 'What about my friend?
...Three sticky hugs
....And five minutes peace to go pee

On the day before Mother's Day
The Weener's will give to me
**A house that's 'kind of' clean**
....No potty words
....Or 'Can I bring a friend?'
....Three sticky hugs
....And five minutes peace to go pee

2007-05-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

Next!....

I received the bathing suit that I order from Lands End. While it is such a pretty bathing suit, sadly I will have to return it. The suit - while it does fit - is kind of snug in certain places (So does that mean that it doesn't fit?). The main reason *cough* that I am returning it - and the only problem I'm going to mention when asked by the sales associate on why I am taking it back - is that there is a small hole on the right side of the suit.

So I am now on to my next vict...err... bathing suit. I ordered this suit from LL Bean yesterday.

While it pretty much is the same idea as the Lands End suit, it doesn't seem as squishy (as in it won't try to squish all of my fat into one confined area).

Oh and I tried to order the body in the picture to go along with the bathing suit. Unfortunately, it wasn't for sale....perhaps they were all sold out?

2007-05-08T06:24:00.000-07:00

Our Church Is Prayer Conditioned...

Let me set this up.

Date: Today

Time: About 8:00 a.m.

Me: Driving in my car on a two lane road...

To the right of me: Homes, a convenient store and a baptist church that always has cheesy sayings (Such as: 'Like Dairy Queen, Our Sundays Are The Best' or 'Don't Give Up. Moses Was A Basketcase Too.') displayed on their huge bulletin board/sign. I always like to see what the new message of the week is as I pass on by.

To the left of me: A graveyard that goes on for miles and miles.

When I pass the church I see this....

(not actual sign)

So what exactly do they mean? Are they saying that if I don't go to their church, my fate is to end up in a - *gasp*- graveyard? The last time I checked, everyBODY's (heh heh) last stop is the graveyard...or on a mantle...or scattered out at sea...etc...)

Maybe they are saying that people who attend their church will live forever and have no need for a graveyard? Or maybe they have special underground catacombs? Or perhaps (and this is my favorite) when their parishoners die they just let them sit in their favorite pew seat for eternity with a bible in one hand and a sign in the other saying,

"In the end I may be only bones, but this darn pew-seat is my own."

Which way did I go?

I just kept going straight. :)

2007-05-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

Total Recall...

A couple of weeks ago everyone was notified via television, internet and/or newspaper (do people still read them?) that Listerine was recalling all of their Agent CoolBlue bottles. Now for those of you out there in blogland who have never heard of Listerine Agent CoolBlue it is a plaque-detecting rinse that you...err... your kids use before they brush their teeth. What it does is turn all of the plaque-filled areas around your teeth and gums a blue color. Basically it's supposed to promote better brushing. I have to admit that it is a cool concept and I had no issues of buying Agent CoolBlue when the kids asked me to get it for them a couple of months ago. I thought that maybe it would help get them more excited about their oral hygiene because sometimes getting them to brush their teeth is like...well....PULLING teeth.

In the end Agent Coolblue lost it's novelty on about day four. I do have to say that it did leave the Weener's nice, white ceramic bathroom sink a purpleish/blue color. **I am happy to report that after a bottle of bleach (for the sink) and a Mike's Hard Lemonade (for me) it did come out.** The bottle pretty much just sat on their bathroom counter for about a month...untouched.

And then that day in April came when all of the buzz was about the recall on Agent CoolBlue. I'm not exactly sure why it was recalled....I think maybe there was some type of bacteria in the liquid that made people sick. (I'm thinking parents were just tired of cleaning their white sinks!)

I quickly went to the Listerine website as soon as I heard that they were giving refunds. I went to the link and was happy to see that I did not have to give them my blood, sweat and tears to get my money back. I downloaded the form that was required:

Like I said; the instructions seemed easy enough to follow...

So I went ahead and grabbed my bottle...

And I began to try to get the label off of the bottle with my thumbnail...

I tried for a good fifteen minutes and I only managed to get up a mediocre amount of the label...

Since that was not working I decided to try to get it off by using the edge of my scissors...

And after trying that for five minutes and getting nowhere...I decided to break out the big guns...

Okay...okay...I really didn't use the butcher knife. After going back to using my thumbnail (and wasting another ten minutes of my life doing so...), I finally had gotten the damn thing off...

In the end, sweat may have been involved in the whole label removing process. Tears too...from all of the frustration. I am - however - happy to report that there was no blood involved. (There probably would've been some blood if I didn't get the label off in another minute or two.)

All of it was worth every penny of the $3.00 (?) - minus the stamp - that I will get back.

2007-05-03T14:05:00.000-07:00

We've Just Received An Exclusive Interview With Mason Weener...!!

Mason, even though your birthday isn't until July, your mom and dad went ahead and gave you your birthday present early. How do you like it?

Well...you know Matt Lauer...it's actually kind of sweet. I can slide on it and my brothers - who are too big for it - cannot.

But before you can slide on it, you do have to climb up the scary ladder, right?

That is correct, Matt Lauer. It was kind of scary at first and I did need help. However, after about twenty minutes, I was able to go up the ladder all by myself.

Wow. That is amazing!

I know...ain't it? Do you want to know what is also pretty cool about it all, Matt Lauer? I can drive with that stirring wheel thingy...too.

About the driving. Is it true that you were stopped for driving with a bottle of wine?

No, Matt Lauer, I don't know where that came from. It was a cup of WATER.

Oh I see.

Can we wrap this interview up Matt Lauer? Aren't you doing Where In The World is Matt Lauer this week?

Well yes I am and I have one final question for you. Considering your parents spent a whole lot of dough on your birthday present, is it your absolute favorite thing to do outside?

As a matter of fact, Matt Lauer, it is not. I have something I like to do just as much.

And what would that be?

Ladies and Gentlemen, remember you heard it here first!

2007-05-03T10:28:00.000-07:00

Something You May Not Want To Know...

(But I'm going to tell you anyway.)

Did you know that gelatin contains animals parts like chopped up animal bones? I didn't until this morning per one of my co-workers. Now don't get me wrong, I am by no means a vegetarian in any shape or form. However, I'm a bit - what's the word(s)? Oh that's it....GROSSED OUT. When I (used) to eat jello I would think that I was just eating a form of fruit juice in a blob-type formation. Now I'm picturing chips of bones in my orange flavored bowl of j-e-l-l-o.

And now I can't help but to wonder how come there isn't any bacon flavored jello?

Yeah...I figured that's why....

2007-05-02T09:34:00.000-07:00

Oh CROCkey....

It was destined to happen.

The weather is getting warmer.

With the warmer temps everyone breaks out their spring/summer wardrobe.

Shorts, t-shirts, sundresses, tank tops, free flowing skirts, sandles...

And you know what else that means...

The CROCS are on the loose!

However, I'm happy to see that I'm not the only anti-croc activist out there...I found this blog entertaining:

http://ihatecrocsblog.blogspot.com/

When will it end? ;)

2007-05-01T07:50:00.000-07:00

Cheesy Funnies That Make Me Giggle...

2007-04-30T14:25:00.000-07:00

Waving Hi From Work...

You know...it figures. Today is the best of the best of days (sunny and in the low 80's) and I'm stuck here at work until 6-6:30. Oh well...I might as well say 'hi'.

:)

BTW...You might not be able to tell, but I got my hair cut last week. It's so much easier to control!

2007-04-30T10:34:00.000-07:00

It's A Beautiful Day To Eat Lunch Outside And What Am I Doing Instead?...

I'm getting all nostalgic! (Besides if I go outside, then I won't go back to work!)

The year...1987.

Best friend...Lisa J.

Grade....7th or 8th.

The hair...Very HIGH.

The clothes...The tackier the better.

Her crush....Will Bauer.

My crush...Andrew (can't remember last name...he was adorable with his blond hair and skater clothes!)

The group...Lisa Lisa And The Cult Jam.

Enjoy!

People would always ask me and Lisa where the Cult Jam was...and we'd say..."Between your toes!"

*sigh* Those were the days!

2007-04-30T07:10:00.000-07:00

At one point in time - like...say.... a couple of months ago - signing up to join the community pool sounded like a really good idea. It truly did. However, as some of you can atest to- joining a pool can cost a small fortune - or your first born child. Well all that aside there were a lot of positives to joining the pool.

1.)The kids would absolutely enjoy the pool to pieces.

2.) I won't have to put up their pool EVERYday.

3.) I won't have to get out the pump...to blow their pool up EVERYday.

4.) I won't have to pull my hair out trying to find that one level part of the backyard to...EVERYday.

5.) I won't have little mini-oceans in my back of my yard from draining their pool EVERYday.

6.) My backyard won't smell like dead, rotten grass that only comes from putting up and draining the pool EVERYday.

I think you get my point...

It turns out that a lot the neighbors thought joining the pool was a great idea as well. At first I was all stoked about it all. More kids at the pool for my kids to play with = Greater chance my kids will leave me the heck alone. AWESOME! I was sold and I sold my soul - or at least it felt like it - to the manager of the community pool.

Needless to say that in the midst of all of the "joining the pool excitement/frenzy", something didn't dawn on me...that is until a few weeks ago.

I.Have.To.Wear.A.Bathing.Suit.

A Bathing Suit!

Blech!!

I loathe bathing suits and - considering the way I look in them - I'm pretty sure they loathe me right back. I look hideous in them. Doesn't matter what kind either. One piece, two piece (you'd go blind) ... tankini's...shirtini's...shoot just the idea of having to buy one makes me want a MARTINI. I mean, it's bad enough I wear a bathing suit when we go to the ocean, but it's not so bad because 1.) I only wear the bathing suit for a couple of days...not ALL summer and 2.) the people I am torturing with my non-bathing suit body...I don't know!

Sure...I know that most of the other mothers in my neighborhood are in the same 'to hell with bathing suits' boat that I am on...It's just that 1-2% that's not. You know what I'm talking about...the one (or two..or three) woman that come to the pool with their perfectly cropped hair and their curves in all of the right places bathing suit body. You don't hate her - because for all you know she is the nicest person on earth - but you hate her confidence. She knows she looks good...damn it...and she is bringing it. So while the heavens open up and shine down on her heavenly figure...it shines on you.... and the rays from the sun reflects against every single one of your stretchmarks (and that would be a lot of them).

Oops...sorry I just had a high school moment there. Darn green-eyed monster. :)

So anyway...I have to get not just one - but two - bathing suits for the summer. I already ordered one from Lands End. It's a one piece bathing suit that is supposed to have all-over body control. And while the model wearing the bathing suit looks really nice - and controlled (as if she needs it...), I'm pretty certain that all of the control/gravity in the world will not support that undetermined layers of blubber that is called fat.

Come to think of it...I didn't really get fat until I had kids. And I'm only joining the pool for them... Hmmm...I'm going to have to add this to my Mom's Guilt Trip List for when the boys are older and they don't want to visit me. I can just hear myself now:

"What do you mean you can't come over to visit me? *sniffle* After everything I went through with you. *long dramatic pause* You were the one that made me eat all of those bags of Funyons when I was pregnant with you....I gained XXX amount of weight and I still joined the pool for you in the summer of 2007. Even though they tried to harpoon me, I still went back. I did it all for YOU!"

I'll work on it....:)

2007-04-27T10:05:00.001-07:00

This Was Fun...

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

2007-04-12T12:07:00.000-07:00

Oops - I Almost Forgot....

I have an announcement.

After weeks of waiting, I finally got my new car! I am no longer a mini-van driving mama. LEt me tell you all --- I've never owned anything so nice.

It even has the three rows of seating that I needed.

I always wanted a car with a sunroof. Not only does the car come with a sunroof, but it also has a skylight in the back. How cool is that?

Let me tell you, I feel so cool driving around in my new ride with my three kids while listening to 80's music. lol

2007-04-12T12:05:00.001-07:00

Easter Pictures...

2007-04-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

CONFESSIONS OF AN EASTER EGG NAZI...

So Easter came and went this year. Thankfully, everything went as planned and nobody in my house went into sugar-shock. Oh..Oh.. I have to tell you all about my huge accomplishment. I successfully followed through with the vow that I had made to myself last year. No...it wasn't to NOT all of the Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs from the boys baskets (I swear whoever came up with those just did so to torture me.). Are you ready to hear this?

I let the boys dye eggs without me hovering over their shoulders and having a nervous breakdown in the process.

Now I don't necessarily call myself a perfectionist because...well...I'm not (Umm...hello? You are reading this over-punctuated, poorly grammared blog, aren't you? ;) ). However, it seems that I am a bit of a stickler when it comes to the art of dyeing eggs. I hate to say it, but I am (was?) the Simon Cowell of Easter egg dye jobs. (Insert British accent -- 'You call that an Easter egg? I wouldn't even put that next to a dozen year old rotten eggs....' - Okay....I'm not THAT harsh...) All of the eggs had to be the right color with no fingerprints - and heaven forbid if colors got mixed together. I knew I had a problem when I told a then four-year-old Timmy that he was going to be banned from dyeing Easter eggs if he didn't let the eggs sit in their assigned cups for the required five-minutes. Ummm...yeah...I know....

So anyway...

I did it. I let the boys do their own thing while dyeing eggs and I' m proud to say that I didn't have any mini heart attacks due to the fact that someone only put an egg in the yellow dye for ONLY three minutes. (making the egg more of an off-white than yellow....but whatever...) Even when it came time to decorate the eggs, I kept my pie-hole shut. And speaking of pies, Christian - using an egg to devote his love for a certain baked good - had the most creative saying on his Easter egg.

Timmy came in a close second with his use of the letter 'n'. He made an egg with the word "nnonn". You see he used all of his 'm' stickers for the eggs that had HIS name on it so when it came time for a 'mom' egg he realized he didn't have anymore m's...so he just put two n's together to make an 'm'.

All in all it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. The reign of the Easter Egg Dyeing Nazi is over....

VIVA LA UGLY EASTER EGGS!!

2007-04-12T10:32:00.000-07:00

Long Time, No Blog...

And yet again I have successfully avoided all things blog. To tell you the truth, I just didn't have the energy to post. (READ: I'm one lazy mama.)

I do have some things to post...so let the blogging begin!

2007-03-08T09:46:00.000-08:00

Hmmm...I Wasn't Sure What To Title This Post...

I was either going to title it:

"I Think I'm Getting A New Car..."
or
"I Had A Small Accident..."

This happened yesterday morning. While I am a bit sore today, I am fine thankfully. The airbags knocked me out for a second..and that was quite strange. However, I'm glad I didn't have the kids with me. The people at the impound lot were nice enough to try to put the front bumper and the hood back on....they were ripped off at the accident.

What was the guy in the truck thinking...doing a 3-point turn in an intersection?

Now the question is....Will my insurance company total my van?

And so I wait....

2007-03-01T11:21:00.000-08:00

Day Three On The Beach...

It's getting easier and my carb-cravings are more subdued. Let's just say that if I saw you sitting in a corner eating a piece of bread, I am now less likely to run over to you and bite your head off as you are chewing.

I actually think I can do this!

2007-03-01T09:16:00.000-08:00

Forget About The Ides Of March...Just Be(A)ware Of March...

Can you remember a time when a month was just that -- a month? Sure you might of had your holidays and birthdays thrown in there on any given month. However, when it came down to it January was still just January and August was still just August.

Now everybody - and there mother - has an awareness month. Don't believe me? Here you go...

March is:

Arts Awareness Month
Asian American Awareness Month
Ethics Awareness Month
Hemophilia Awareness Month
International Listening Awareness Month
National Caffeine Awareness Month
National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month
National MS Education and Awareness Month
National Peanut Month
Nonpoint Source Pollution Awareness Month
Nutrition Awareness Month
Parenting Awareness Month
Poison Awareness Month
Seagrass Awareness Month
Sinus Pain Awareness Month -- apparently, it moved to February
Vulval Health Awareness Month
National Frozen Food Month
National Talk To Your Teen About Sex Month
Veggie Month
DVT Awareness Month
Epilepsy Awareness Month
“Save Your Vision” Month
Fraud Awareness Month (Canada)
Age-Related Mascular Degeneration Awareness Month
American Red Cross Month
Adopt A Rescued Guinea Pig Month
Disabilities Awareness Month
Massachusetts Maple Month
National Women’s History Month
Rosacea Awareness Month
Sport Month (England)

Yep...I can just hear myself saying...."Uh...So you say your birthday is during National Hamburger Month, huh? Well, my birthday is during National Hotdog Month. Say, maybe we should have a cookout during National Cookout Month* and celebrate!"

Hey, you never know!

*National Cookout Month is not a real awareness month, but I'm sure it will be soon!

2007-02-27T11:35:00.000-08:00

Day Two On The Beach...

Maybe this is sums it up....

I thought not being able to eat sweets was going to be the hardest, but it's not. I miss my bread. I want bread. I mean I REALLY want to eat bread. You know what though?

I'm not.
Nope.
I'm not going to eat it.

I will be strong...I HAVE to be strong...

Those size 8's are calling my name!

2007-02-26T05:50:00.000-08:00

Day One On the Beach...

Today is my first day back on the South Beach diet. I have totally pysched myself up to start and am going to really try and stick with phase one for at least a week. Phase one is so much harder than phase two. Phase one means no bread - at all - even wheat (which is what I eat anyway) and absolutely no SUGAR (buh-bye Ben and Jerry...) However, I will still be eating some phase one no-no's like fruit.

So let me just apologize in advance for any rude, crude or vulgar comments I may make in any future posts due to my diet. (Oh, wait I already do that when NOT on any diet....)

Here are my stats...

Starting Weight: 168
Current Pants Size: Mostly 12's, but can squeeze my arse into some size 10's
Goal: Is to be at least in the 140's and be a loose size 8 pants/shorts

I'm trying to think of a reward for myself if I succeed. A day at the spa? A shopping spree? Shave my head bald ( ;) )? I'm also trying to come up with some kind of non-reward...a punishment. I thought about posting a picture of myself in a bathing suit (but that would kind of be punishing you all too!). Hmmmmm.....??

So anyway, I hope you all enjoy the upcoming days/weeks/months(?) with me while on our journey to the beach. Remember...No potty breaks on the way there! Oh and no asking if we are there yet, cause I have a feeling it's going to be a long and bumpy ride!

2007-02-25T08:49:00.000-08:00

We Have A Celebrity Look-a-Like In The Weener House...

Here is a picture of Timmy from yesterday morning....

Do you think he resembles a kid from a certain movie....?

It's not the Home Alone kid...

And it's definitely not the Jerry Maguire boy...

Here let me just tell you...

You know the move The Grudge...?

That movie with the scary looking kid in it....?

This kid...

You say you don't see too much of a resemblance...?

Okay, how 'bout now...?

I thought so too!

2007-02-23T11:58:00.000-08:00

Vegetable Soup For The Bizarre...

Every morning - when I get ready for work - I like to watch the local news and then a little of the Today show. This morning, however, I forced myself to change the channel due to the (over)coverage of the Anna Nicole hoopla. Don't get me wrong, I love me some good hollywood news/gossip, but this is like beating a dead...um...celebrity(?) over the head over and over...(Sorry!)

So anyway...as I was saying.

I was flicking through the channels when I came across an old cartoon on one of the movie channels. Right now I can't remember the name of the movie though I can tell you the main characters were rabbits and it was done in the 1970's. And here is another thing I can tell you... it looked a little scary. The funny thing about it is that I don't think it was supposed to be scary (it wasn't). It was the life-like animation that made it seem somewhat frightening.

I quickly turned the channel and laughed at my reaction towards the movie. As I was laughing, I started to think about all of the programs I used to watch as a child of the 70's/80's. We had some great programs....The Electric Company, Sesame Street, Zoom... *Sigh* - Those were the days.

And then I remembered something...

There was this show that always gave me the willies. It wasn't very good program. Yet, I would still watch it because it always left me mesmerized. The name of the program was called Vegetable Soup. From what I can recall the main character was a spoon...and he sang. It was an odd cartoon. However, it's not the cartoon that I remember so much.

It was something else...

You see, on every episode they had this short skit with puppets. Talk about no budget and waaaay freaky. However, it kept me transfixed and - albeit - a bit dazed. The segment was usually a five minute clip that had these incredibly...how can I put this?...SCARY puppets in them. The puppets looked like children and - let me tell you - everytime I saw them they gave me the heebie-jeebies. Just thinking about it right now sends chills up my spine...

If you don't believe me, here you go!

Yep...I'm still freaked!

2007-02-22T10:03:00.001-08:00

My Motivational Contribution For The Day....

2007-02-21T10:03:00.000-08:00

I'd Like To Apologize....

To the person who googled the words "vulva tattoo" and got my blog instead. I just want to let you know how sorry I am. I'm sure all you wanted was to go to a website that offers information -and maybe even pictures? - on vulva tattos. And all you got was a blog about kids pooping in the tub, lost hamsters and a picture of my mother-in-law.

I feel so bad...

In order to make things right between you and I, how 'bout I tell you all that I know about vulva tattoos...

A vulva tattoo is a tattoo that is on your vulva.
I think it would hurt to get a vulva tattoo.
A vulva tattoo would be a great topic at a dinner party.
If I ever get a tattoo, it will NOT be on my vulva.
It would be kind of hard to see a tattoo on your vulva.

Am I forgiven? ;)

2007-02-20T15:26:00.000-08:00

Never Start A Diet On A Day Called...

FAT TUESDAY!

I don't care how gung ho you are about a diet. Even if you come to the conclusion that you are going to start your weight reduction plan at that exact moment. Should I mention that you come to this wonderful idea of being more careful of your food choices as you are lying in bed staring at the ceiling at....oh... three o'clock in the morning? (Isn't it always easier to start something at that time of nigh....er...morning?)

It is Doomed from the beginning, I tell you. That is Capital D-double O -M( with an 'ed' at the end)....DOOMED.

You should've known it was not a good sign from the beginning when - on your way to work - you are stopping and going in rush hour traffic next to a...what else?...A Tasty Kake truck.

And then you get to work only to find out there is a required lunch meeting that very day and pizza will be served. Now normally you can pass up pizza, however, they are not having your usual pizza varieties that you can stick your nose up to. Nope. They are having barbeque chicken pizza which is something you sometimes have fantasies about. Oh and besides the pizza they are having gourmet italian cookies....Those yummy italian cookies that just melt in your mouth and dance in your belly.

To not eat that delicious food would've been torture I tell you...torture. So you manage to get away with eating one slice of pizza and about FOUR cookies - which are not dancing in your belly...they feel more like they are glued to the bottom of your stomache. And it was all of your superiors faults too....having that 'required' meeting with their 'required' food.

Those bastards....

Needless to say, it was all a downward spiral from there. Just ask those bag of Funyuns in your pantry...oh wait...you ate them last night!

Sigh

Too bad there is not a day called "Skinny Wednesday".....

2007-02-20T11:10:00.000-08:00

While Mom Is Away...

The Weeners will play!

2007-02-19T12:48:00.000-08:00

Have You Seen The New Bald Britney?....

No...I mean...have you really seen her?

Courtesy of Gallery of the Absurd.

2007-02-19T10:19:00.000-08:00

It's President's Day...

And here I am.

So I have this day off of work and the kids are off of school. If you are like me (which if you are I just want to tell you how sorry I am...), then you usually don't do anything to celebrate President's Day. However, this year is different for us in the Weener house. I have decided that we will do something in honor of our dear (most of them dead) presidents.

Here are some of the things we will be doing today:

In honor of George Washington...we will be going to Target (pronouced 'Tar-get' today and not the un-American pronounication of 'Tar-jay' that I usually say) and I will be spending more...ahem...'George Washingtons' than I'd like.

In honor of John Quincy Adams and William Henry Harrison I will be calling all of my kids by their first, middle and last names (and I should mention I will use them all even when they are NOT in trouble...).

In honor of Grover Cleveland we will be watching Sesame Street. Oh wait...we watch that everyday anyway...

In honor of Herbert Hoover we will be breaking out my vacuum cleaner (not sure if it's a Hoover though...)and vacuum in his honor.

In honor of James Garfield we will - but what else? - read a Garfield funny.

In honor of Millard Fullmore I will curse any parent who names their children Millard.

In honor of Thomas Jefferson I will not have any illegitimate children today, however, I will swivel around on my computer chair. (He invented swivel chairs.)

In honor of Abe Lincoln I will not pluck my next chin hair. (yeah right!)

In honor of James Polk we will do the "Hokey Polkey". ( I know it's spelt wrong. ;) )

In honor of Zachary Taylor I will let the weeners play will their friend Zachary (no matter how annoying he is!).

In honor of Chester Arthur I will do some chest exercises today.

In honor of Bill Clinton I will clean all of the stains out of my kids clothes.

In honor of Jimmy Carter we will eat peanut butter sandwiches for lunch.

I'm going to have to cut this post short because with 43 presidents and all...that's a lot of stuff to do in one day!

*blank stare* (That's in honor of our current president,GWB. ;) )

2007-02-19T09:43:00.000-08:00

Do You See What I See?....

So you say it's a pair of tweezers.
That is correct.
Can you see what the tweezer has in it's grip?
Oh yeah...you probably can't.
I'll just have to tell you.
In between the teeth of the cold, metal tweezers is
one
lone
hair.
It's so tiny that you have to squint to see it.
It's not an eyebrow hair.
It's not a nose hair.
It's a chin hair!
My first chin hair to be exact...
And now that I have one chin hair
I'm sure there will be more to come.
It's bad enough I have to wax my mustache.
But now I have pluck hairs out of my chin too.
Great.
I'm old.
Getting old is so not glamorous, but...

With all of my complaining
And shallowness...

I'm glad I have the opportunity to become
old.
Don't get me wrong,

aging sucks.
Wrinkles are icky.
Nose hairs are just plain WRONG.
But I'm happy that I have a chance
To get old.
To watch my kids grow up.
To see what they will become.
To know that as long as I'm around
They are safe.
And when I become unable to...
They will pluck my chin hairs for me.

2007-02-16T11:52:00.000-08:00

Guess Who I Just Got A Message From...?

My good friend Britney! Luckily, she didn't give me any parenting advice (or any advice on how to properly exit a vehicle). Want to hear the message (btw it's pretty lame)? Just click on the picture below.

2007-02-16T09:12:00.000-08:00

If You Got To...You've Got To...

Everyone who owns (and watches) television has at least one "got to" movie. Some of you are probably looking at your monitor and scratching your head wondering what exactly a "got to" movie is. So in case you don't know what a "got to" movie is, (which you probably don't because I just made it up like ten minutes ago...) let me explain.

A "got to" movie is a movie that - even though you've watched it a gazillion times - if you come across it while flicking channels on the TV you've got to stop and watch the movie... again.

There is also something you should know about "got to" movies. They come in two different categories. First there are the "got to" movies that you are not afraid to admit to others that you watch because for the most part they are pretty good movies to watch. I call them your "Golden Got To" movies. "Golden Got To" movies are movies that - even if they didn't do well in the theater's - nine out of ten of your friends like the movie.

And then you have your "got to" movies that you are not as likely to own up to ever watching....let alone even liking.

These are what I call your "Cheesy Got To" movies. "Cheesy Got To" movies are usually the cheesiest of the cheesiest of movies. These are movies that probably only lasted in the theaters for like a week...or worse yet...it went a straight to video. The plot is cheesy bad. The acting is cheesy bad. Everything about the movie is cheesy bad. With that said however, there is still something about it - who knows what - that makes you keep watching...over and over and over again.

I know you are all dying to see my "got to" list. And even if you're not...here it is!

My "Golden Got To" Movies
Lord of the Rings (all three of them)
Princess Bride
Grease
Dirty Dancing
Good Fellas

And with a big breath...

My "Cheesy Got To" Movies
Grease 2
Breakin'
Roller Boogie (I just added this one to my list...everything about this movie is BAD, but I can't help myself from watching it!)

Okay I owned up to mine. What's your favorite "Got To" movie(s)?....The cheesier the better!